My DVR Hates me.

It's been a slow couple of weeks in DVR land. Most of my regular shows have ended for the season, and what was once a list of about 30 shows a week that were on my schedule, has now turned in to about 4.

Now, I can rejoice that "True Blood" has returned, along with a new favorite of mine, "Hung". Both shows are part of HBO's counter programming of airing new shows, while basic cable airs repeats. It's working, because it's giving me something to look forward to, and it's giving my DVR a job to complete.

However, I think my DVR is just a little lonely. It's been so used to recording just about every piece of total trash on TV, that it's gone into a state of panic from only being in charge of recording the newest episodes of shows of quality, like "Chelsea Lately", "The Soup" the previously mentioned "True Blood" and because I like to pretend I'm cultured, "Real Time with Bill Maher".

That must be the reason that this week, after not turning my TV on for 2 days(I KNOWWWWW!), I was confused to see the following list of shows in my recorded list: 2 episodes of Chelsea Lately, Hung and Toddlers & Tiaras.

Toddlers & Tiaras. Seriously.

Now, I don't really recall EVER asking my DVR to record this show, and in fact, if it wasn't for "The Soup" I wouldn't have even known it existed. But, I kid you NOT, my DVR recorded an episode of "Toddlers & Tiaras" without my knowledge or consent.

I immediately went into my "list of recorded shows" menu, and scrolled down the 4,000 that I had in there, and, wouldn't you know, "Toddlers & Tiaras" WAS in there. It was selected as "Record only First Run Episodes", which means that I had recorded the Season Premiere. I swear I do NOT remember asking my DVR to record this show, but in a way, I'm kinda glad it did because it gives me something else to talk about on this blog besides Katherine Heigl...for now.

AND OF COURSE the ONE TIME I am NOT going to write about Heigl, Newsweek.com decides to write an op-ed piece entitled: "Why is Katherine Heigl so Annoying?" I'm.fucking.serious.

I need to get back on track before I go on a rampage about someone dissing my Queen C.

So, as I said before, my DVR must REALLY hate me. It's either bored, or it hates me. Or, it knows me...because there is was, "Toddlers & Tiaras", sitting in my recorded shows menu, just BEGGING for me to watch it.

I watched "Chelsea Lately" first, followed by "Hung", and then realized that I had nothing left to view, and decided to throw all rationality to the wind and watch this shitshow. I hit "play" and began my journey into absolute FUCKING INSANITY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Where the FUCK do I begin?! I felt like I had just gone through 2 World Wars by the time the credits rolled(actually, by the time the credits OPENED). I sat in confusion and anger and disbelief for an entire hour, something that doesn't usually happen to me unless I'm viewing something that has Brett Michaels in it. I'm going to attempt to give you a run down about the premise of this show, with as much objectivity as I can. For once, I want to just describe the show with none of my two cents interjected. We can discuss MY thoughts after the description, but for now, read a completely un-biased synopsis:

The show "Toddlers & Tiaras" is the brainchild of a few producers who decided that there was a subject that America was just clamoring to know more about. A subject that had been the cause of many a sleepless night and water cooler conversation. A subject that caused so much dialogue and discussion, curiosity and a need and hunger to learn more. A subject that that gripped the entire Nation: Child Beauty Pageants.

Remember that time you just could NOT stop thinking and wondering about Child Beauty Pageants?! How were they put on? What are the categories? How do the girls rehearse? What is the judging criteria? I NEED TO KNOW!! Well, thanks to "Toddlers & Tiaras", you do!

The show, from the episode that I gathered, follows a different group of girls each week through a specific pageant. The Episode usually begins with an introduction of each girl, their family, a history of the Pageant they are competing for and Interviews with the Pageant Director. You're then treated to an hour of prep, rehearsing and finally, execution of each girl's hard work. Does it pay off for them in the end? Well, you'll have to wait until the very last few minutes of the episode to see which title, if any, our little ladies end up with.

I can't even believe I managed to write that paragraph with only a small dose of sarcasm and hatred. Are you FUCKING kidding me?! Now, I LOVE a trashfest more than anyone else. Hell, I have an entire awards ceremony that honors Trashy, Cunty Women. But this is beyond Trash.

First off, NO. Secondly...NO! And lastly, these are little girls. These are children. Worse, these are FORCED Children. The Episode I saw took place in the south(Surprise, Sur-fucking-prise!), and the amount of time, energy and money that these PATHETIC "Mothers" spent on these little girls is infuriating. I DARE you to watch an episode without cursing at the TV. I almost didn't have a working TV by the end of it. It took every ounce of of strength I had not to throw my fist into the 7 chins attached to the mouth of one of the Pageant Mother's faces.

Oh yea, that's the best part. The Mother's look like something out of a "Chronicles of Narnia" book. Jagged teeth, peeling, disjointed skin and unkempt hair. Their usually overweight, in ragged, dollar store worthy clothing, and their little pageant princess doesn't resemble them AT ALL. Half the time, it looks like a kidnapping.

To watch these creatures prance around in the audience and guide their children through the exact routine she's doing on stage, is one of the only redeeming qualities of this show.

I'd love to take these little girls, who Mommy claims just "LOVES being in Pageants" and put a trophy, sash and crown on one side of the room, and a stack of Brand New Barbies, stuffed animals and coloring books on the other side. Then, I'd ask her "Go to the side of the room that YOU want to go to". Think I'd find one girl throwing that sash over her shoulder?

My point with this particular rant(I'm honestly not sure I even have one. I just wanted to write about the Fat Stage Mothers), is that there is a difference between willingly signing up to look like a complete asswipe(New York, The "Rock of Love" Sluts, The Bad Girls Club), and being a complete asswipe that takes innocent victims along for a ride they never agreed to take part in(Toddlers & Tiaras, Jon and Kate, That fucking PIG that had 14 kids, etc).

Kids need to be kids. If you expose your children to Television and Pop Culture too early, resulting in a loss of their innocence, the ONE thing that MAKES them a CHILD, then you run the risk of having them grow up to be...like me.

I will admit that I didn't cancel the series recording of this show. I'm not sure I'll continue watching after the abuse my TV took from my dirty mouth raging against these disgusting slobs that call themselves Parents, Or from my eyes witnessing a 4 year old with more Make Up on her face and higher heels on her feet than most of my 20 something girlfriends. But if you REALLY want to see TRASH in it's purest form, which is Trash that doesn't know it's Trash, then I recommend you do what my DVR did. But don't say I didn't warn you.