The Sore Thumb in a World of Index Fingers

The 2009 "Of The Year's"

2009-12-31T08:31:00.001-08:00

It's New Year's Eve!

Besides getting rip roaring drunk and making out with anything in sight at the stroke of midnight, this is also the last day of the year, which is the perfect time to do a "Of The Year" list.

Many publications publish their "Best of" or their "Worst of" around this time, and I decided since my opinion is so highly respected and regarded, I should do the same. Though, my categories will be a little less predictable. So, while I still have 12 more hours of 2009, let's begin.

**Editor's Note** Some of my selections may or may not have been released in 2009. However, 2009 was the year that I discovered them, which is all that really matters since I'm the one concocting this list.

Category 1: Music

Music is my life. Anyone that knows me or reads this crappy blog I update every 7 weeks knows that. This year has been an interesting one in music. We had some high profile releases that debuted and were received with a dud. We had some releases that came out of nowhere and dominated the album charts. We had some releases that are just now beginning to pick up steam and word of mouth, months after being released. Below are my choices:

Album Of The Year:

Alicia Keys: The Element of Freedom

Six months ago I blogged about Lily Allen's "It's not me, It's you". I mentioned that it was half way through the year, but that it was shaping up to be my album of the year. I did, however, preface it by saying that anything could change, as there were tons more releases to be had, and that the major labels usually save their blockbusters for the 4th quarter. I was right.

Just 3 weeks shy of the new year, Alicia Keys released her 4th album, the absolutely incredible "The Element of Freedom", and knocked Lily out of the spot that she was, up until now, almost certain to claim.

I've always been a fan of Alicia Keys. I have every album, enjoy almost every single, think she's an incredible live performer and I respect her musicianship and talent. However, I never really gave much thought to her. I guess I was an unconscious fan. I just happened to buy every album, just happened to enjoy every single, etc. I have never seen her live, with the exception of a television project I was a part of a few year's ago, I've never immersed myself in her life story or gossip about her and I never really took her for anything more than face value.

Her new album, to me, has been marketed by her label terribly. I actually had no idea she even had a new album coming out, until I logged on to Itunes and saw it in the "New Release" column. I had only heard the single "Try Sleeping with a Broken Heart" once, on the American Music Awards, and had no clue that it was actually the SECOND single. The first being "Doesn't Mean Anything". I never saw a video, an interview, any press or television appearances. I suppose had I been more immersed in Keys' website, social networking outlets and newsletters, I would have expected the album.

It was Alicia Keys, I thought, and downloaded it without hearing anything about it.

What a surprise I was in for. Alicia has not only crafted her best album to date, but she's also managed to step up her game in a way that I never saw coming. "The Element of Freedom" is essentially a concept record. A break up album. But there is a story. The track listing is sequenced in a way(confirmed by Keys' herself), that takes the listener through heartbreak, in every stage. There is Anger ("Love is Blind", "Put it in a Love Song"), Heartache ("Love is my Disease", "Try Sleeping with a Broken Heart", "Doesn't Mean Anything"), Hope ("Wait to you see my smile", "Distance and Time") and lastly, Acceptance, ("Pray for Forgiveness").

It's a genius album that is so relatable to the listener(especially if you've ever gone through a break up), and so catchy and inspiring, it leaves you with a feeling of hope yourself. You're going to be OK. Listen to Alicia.

Runner Up's:

Lily Allen: It's Not Me, It's You

Rihanna: Rated R

I'd love to give Rihanna the top spot on this list, and actually probably would have, as she's crafted one of the best break up album's I've ever heard...except...she didn't craft any of it. She has barely any writing credit on the songs(some of which are the most personal and introspective pop songs I've heard in years), and for that reason, I can't give her anything more than a runner up position.

Category 2: Television

My god do I love TV. I love TV a little too much. I'll watch anything. Check my "Series Recording" tab on my DVR and you'll see everything from "Chelsea Lately" and "Pop Up Video", to "90210", "The Vampire Diaries", "Hoarders", "Grey's Anatomy" and "30 Rock". I'm a television schizophrenic. I'm all over the place, and I should probably be embarrassed by about 98% of the shows that I watch, but I'm not. I've learned to embrace what I enjoy. And with that being said...

Television Show of The Year:

True Blood

Is there anything more addicting that this show? HBO really got it right when it put this show on the air. At first glance, it looks like nothing more than a cheap attempt to capitalize off of the Vampire craze started by "Twilight", but look closer, and you'll see one of the most intelligent, thought provoking and clever shows since...well, since "Buffy, The Vampire Slayer".

Based on the Sookie Stackhouse novels by Charlaine Harris, "True Blood" encaptures everything a television addict could want: Wit, suspense, great story lines and acting and an uncanny way of making the unbelievable believable. And the way they do that, is one of the most intelligent aspects of the series: They make the Vampires the victims. In a not so subtle comparison to the Civil Rights movement of the 60's, or the Gay Rights movement that is currently underway, "True Blood" uses the ridiculousness of a "Vampires Rights Movement" to show us just how hateful we are at times. Many of the Vampires are, in fact, good, decent people, who never chose to be the creatures that everyone is so terrified of, only because they are different(sound familiar?), and with that storyline in place, viewers are treated to some of the best use of analogies since "Buffy".

My only complaint? It's exactly one YEAR between seasons. Season 3 won't be debuting until June '10. WTF?!

Runner's Up:

"Chelsea Lately"

I'll never grow tired of this hot bitch.

"The Bad Girl's Club"

Drunk Slut Alert! Drinking, Sluts, Catfights, Weaves, Short dresses while wearing no panties, Shit talking, yelling and fist fights....and we are only on Episode 4! I'm in "C" Heaven!!!!

Category 3: Film

Movies fucking SUCK. Seriously. I was the biggest movie buff growing up. Take my love of music now, and multiply it by one million and you'll get a taste of how much I used to love movies. Unfortunately, there are NO films this year that stood out to me enough to put them on a "Best of" list. Ridiculous, I know. Any films that were critically acclaimed that I caught("The Wrestler", "Juno") I didn't really think were THAT great. I did just watch "Burn after Reading" and "Revolutionary Road" last night, and both were good, but weren't good ENOUGH to be given the title of "Movie of the Year". So let's discuss the worst:

Worst Movie of the Year:

Bride Wars

I know, I Know, I KNOW! What was I thinking? The movie poster alone(our 2 heroines, standing back to back in matching wedding gowns and glares) should have warned me enough. But I was bored. I was bored, and I'm paying for HBO on demand, and I sometimes enjoy both Anne Hathaway and Kate Hudson, and I...OK, I'm done making excuses. I was self loathing. I wanted to inflict some unnecessary pain on myself.

This film is awful. It's awful in a "From Justin, To Kelly" kind of way, not a "Showgirls" kind of way. There is a difference. "Showgirls" is so bad, it's amazing. "From Justin, To Kelly" is so bad, it's unwatchable. The plot sounds like something from my dreams: 2 girls act catty when they book their weddings on the same day, at the same location, and do juvenile, hot things to get the other to switch their day. You had me at "2 Girls act Catty..."

But the execution is terrible. The pacing is off. The ending is SO.FUCKING.PREDICATABLE. and the writing is insulting to anyone who has, or has ever wanted, a vagina. What WOMEN did the writer of this movie associate with? The girls I know would handle this situation in 3 minutes: They'd beat the shit out of each other. The girls in the movie? They act like 6 years old. Dying each other's hair blue, switching out tanning oils to sabotage what was supposed to be a light, unnoticeable tan, fist fighting in the middle of the aisle at the wedding in Wedding Gowns(OK, that scene was kind of hot)!!!! I get that it's all in the name of an interesting movie. Cheap gags satisfy an audience more than seeing two women strip to their bra, panties and heels, going WWF on each other in mid November on the Brooklyn Bridge, while ice cold water is spilled on them every 4 minutes. I get it.

Still, this "movie" was complete garbage. Yes, this is coming from someone who has been known to watch "Showgirls" twice a week.

Category 4: "C's"

I'll never hide my love for a good "C". Click on the tag of this blog labeled "A Total C" and you'll catch my drift. This year saw the makings of new "C's", and the taming and downfall of some of my favorites, leaving me both heartbroken and hopeful.

Worst "C" of The Year:

Katherine Heigl

Never has a woman been discussed more on this blog than Katherine Heigl. She was the "C" of my dreams. She reigned supreme for 3 years as the total "C" of my heart. She complained. she berated, she smoked, she scowled, she smoked, she complained, she smoked, she bitched, she moaned, she smoked... She was the BEST! Every day I'd look forward to seeing how she'd top herself as the biggest "C" in Hollywood, and every day she never let me down. From chain smoking and giving her Heigl trademark "FUCK OFF" stare, to complaining about every project she's ever been a part of that's given her success, to spending more time correcting the announcer who mispronounced her name at the Emmys then to her speech when she WON an Emmy, to everything in between. My hero.

But what the FUCK has happened to her?! In the past 5 months, Heigl has done such a completely 180, that I don't even have time to cope with her betrayal. She quit smoking. She stopped complaining. She fucking ADOPTED a Korean newborn baby with her Husband! Who the FUCK is this woman and what has she done with my "C"?! My Queen, the woman I always looked to for advice when I wanted to tell someone to "Eat Shit!" simply by taking a drag of my Cigarette, is now probably sitting at home, Indian style, reading her DAUGHTER a story and debating how much money should go to each of the 11 Charities she's now a part of.

Heigl, It's been a great 3 years, but you are now OUT! You are no longer my "C". I can't. I CAN'T with you right now. I've given you so many chances to redeem yourself, but you've failed.

It's a New Year, and it's time for a New "C". So, as an end to this RIDICULOUSLY long Blog Post, below are my top picks for the 2010 "C" of my life:

Danielle, "The Real Housewives of New Jersey"

I've written about this "C" before. She hasn't totally penetrated my heart, but if she keeps being a "Prostitution Whore" and causing women to flip tables over at the sight of her, she's well on her way.

Flo, "The Bad Girl's Club"

Flo may end up being the manliest "C" I've ever worshipped. This bitch is BUTCH! Flo has gained a spot on my "Maybe" list, because not only does she resemble Shrek if Shrek was Italian and from Staten Island, but because she's out of her fucking mind. Be sure to catch the episode "Bad Girl's Club" where Flo has a FUCKING MENTAL BREAKDOWN because the other Housemates left her ass at a pool and went home. If you caught the episode midway through and saw Flo's behavior after the fact, you'd think the girls burned her family in front of her, banished every lesbian in the world to a submarine in the Bermuda Triangle and smoked every last one of her Virginia Slims as they did it.

Bitch goes APESHIT. Throwing furniture, screaming my favorite phrase "I am NOT the one, I am NOT the one!", threatening bodily harm, chain smoking like Heigl, and screaming like a complete LUNATIC the whole time. All because she didn't get a ride home with the other girls. Be.Still.My.Heart.

Annie Krasner, Personal Choice

Annie has been a loyal reader of this blog since it's inception, and is actually one of the reason's I started it in the first place. She's not a "C" in the way that Heigl, Danielle and Flo are, but she's earned a special place in my heart by being totally blunt, worshipping at the alter of Heigl and having a hot mom that raised her right. With some more Mike Fortino time, Annie could be a valuable asset to the "C" Community.

Well, I hope this was enough rambling to hold you over for another 9 weeks, which will probably be when I'll be able to gather my ridiculous thoughts and update this.

Leave some Feedback, Have a great Night and Have a Happy New Year!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm a Writer.

2009-12-05T12:35:00.000-08:00

It's been a few months since I've updated this blog.

I suppose you could say I lost my desire to write. I won't go in to details, but it's been a rough couple of months. That's not really the point of this post. The point is, that I lost sight of what I love to do...and that's write. I'm a good writer. I'm not great, but I'm good.

Writing skills aside, I enjoy writing. I always have. And for the last few months, I stopped enjoying it. Maybe it was because there was just SO much to write about, that I knew if I started to put it all down on a piece of paper, or a word document, or blog or even Facebook status update, that I'd be opening flood gates that I wasn't really ready to open.

Writers have a gift and a curse. Their gift is their ability to convey their thoughts and feelings in the written form. Their curse is their ability to convey their thoughts and feelings in the written form. They tend to bottle their emotions and thoughts up until they write them out. They don't discuss many things with family or friends because they are so used to the therapy of writing it all out. But what if it gets too emotional to write? Then you are left with the curse of keeping it all inside...and that's never a good thing.

Sometimes it just takes a little bit of time to build the strength to get everything out.

Last weekend, I went back home to Philadelphia for the Thanksgiving holiday. Wednesday afternoon I stepped into Penn Station to wait for my train, and while waiting in the holding area, I was overcome with the need to write. It was the first time in months that I felt this feeling.

I rushed to a local "Hudson News" and bought the gaudiest, cheapest notebook they had. It was a hardcover journal with a dark red coloring with gold details. It was so ugly. I usually choose my journals wisely, because the actual journal, in my opinion, is just as important as what you write in it. Sometimes a quote, image or color scheme can inspire you as much as anything else.

It was different this time. This time I would have been happy to write on a Auntie Anne's napkin.

I bought this ugly, discolored notebook and made my way to the Amtrak train that would take me home. I opted to sit in the cafe car instead of a seat, because I needed to be able to lean and write. And that's what I did.

From the moment I sat, I wrote. I wrote about everything and anything. I wrote for my my entire hour and a half ride home. I wrote 70 pages and almost filled the book up. I had no plan, or structure. I just free wrote. I let it out. I let it all out. I printed, I quoted, I drew...I did whatever came to mind.

And as we pulled into my stop in Philadelphia, and I closed my new journal, I took the first full, deep breath I've had in a few weeks. Damn, it felt good.

This blog isn't really meant to be a personal blog. In fact, I think this is the first blog I've written on here that wasn't meant to be funny or ridiculous or pop culture related. But I felt the need to explain the lack of posting.

So, yea, I'm back. I'll keep the personal thoughts to my ugly journal and my appreciation for C's, whores, good and bad music and anything that inspires me to this blog.

Which leads me to my next post...

Michael Vick is playing in MY city.

2009-08-15T09:50:00.001-07:00

Let's take a break from talking about Trashy TV shows for a minute, and discuss Trashy people and shitty situations instead. This blog was created for me to comment on the things that really interested me: Cunty women, Trashy TV, Things that piss me off and Cunty Women.

I think I've really hit my goal so far, judging from my last 47 posts, but now it's time to talk about something that actually matters to me: Animal Rights.

When I was 14 years old, I did a presentation on Animal Rights for a project on school, and from that moment I have been a staunch supporter. Maybe it was the amount of research that I did on the subject, or the statistics that I found, or the disgusting displays of cruelty that I uncovered and let seep into my young, impressionable mind. Who knows. What I do know is that I have no tolerance for the unnecessary cruelty and mistreatment of living things that in many cases can not defend themselves from the power of man.

I do not and will not ever go to a Circus. Even before seeing the explosive videos of how the Animal Trainers treat the supposed "stars" of their show, you have to ask yourself: How does the circus staff really get a 700 pound Elephant to walk a tightrope? Or have a beautiful Bengal Tire jump through a 7 foot flaming ring, not phased by the dangers of making one small misstep? The answer is simple: Intimidation. Once we the audience leave the show, smiles on our faces and wonderment in our eyes, these animals are taken back to their cages and beaten, berated and mentally abused for the enjoyment the audience will feel the next night, and the next night, and so on...

I do not wear fur. I never have and I never will. Besides the fact that you are skinning a living thing to wear on yourself, which is barbaric in it's own right, It actually just looks plain tacky to me. Even when It's fake fur(which really, can anyone, save the 76 year old Madison Ave. Socialite, really tell the difference between?) it looks ridiculous. There's something so campy repulsive to me to see someone wearing something so furry, especially when they prance around in said coat as if they're wearing a million bucks, which disgustingly enough, sometimes they are. My entire argument for this, which I will happily exclaim to anyone wearing fur, is "Would you wear your dog or cat?" Obviously, the answer would be "No". So why wear ANY animal at all? Just because you are wearing an animal that is not domesticated and doesn't beg for treats or fit in your Gucci handbag, doesn't mean the animal has no feelings or emotions. And it sure as hell doesn't make that animal more expendable because of it.

Above are two cases in which there is absolutely no excuse for the mistreatment of those animals. They are for entertainment and fashion purposes. Which brings me to the reason behind this blog: Michael Vick's recent employment by the The Philadelphia Eagles. Philadelphia. MY Philadelphia. The city I was born and raised in and have nothing but fond memories of. They have decided to sign and employ a man that spent years running a Dog Fighting ring, crippling, killing and mentally destroying hundreds of dogs, for the sake of entertainment and profit.

Here's where I struggle: I am a HUGE believer in second chances. I believe we all make mistakes. No one is perfect. And someone who judges someone on one mistake for the rest of their life, is no better than the person they cast judgement on. However, there are some cases which I feel make this way of thinking a little more difficult, and this is one of those cases. I forgive Michael Vick. I do. I believe he is sorry. I believe that he served his time, without weaseling his way out of a sentence, like so many others would do. I believe that he knows that what he did was wrong, and understands the severity and cruelty of his actions, but I don't think that he should in turn be "rewarded" with a high profile new job, contract, and I'm sure, plethora of cash to spend.

The dogs that he forever crippled will never be able to run, jump or fetch again...so why should he be able to? Mistakes happen, but with Mistakes come consequences. Consequences that last a lifetime, not just the term of a jail sentence. Had this been a fight club that Vick ran, with humans fighting, mauling and killing each other for profit, I doubt any NFL team would extend this man a new contract. But because it's animals, because in some people's eyes, they aren't as important, or their life isn't as precious, it's considered OK to hire this man again and welcome him to the team.

If you ask me, if you can do what Michael Vick did to an animal, to a group of DOGS, and watch it every night without shame, then I think you are capable of far, far worse. What decent human being, with any amount of a soul or conscience, could really sit through a dog fight? Honestly. I don't care what kind of person you are, or who you claim to be, or how tough you look. Could you really sit in a room, and watch a smaller, weaker dog be used as bait and ripped apart as a warm up? Could you put your hard earned money down and bet on which dog will destroy the other? Could you really watch as two animals attacked each other while a room of human beings cheered them on? That's what Michael Vick did many, many times.

And sadly, with this new contract, he's being rewarded. He's being told that his only consequence to all of this was an 18 month jail sentence. He's free now. He can resume life the way it was before this all happened. He'll cash his enormous, undeserved paycheck for throwing a ball across a field for 5 months out of the year, and he'll retreat back to his beautiful new home in the Philadelphia suburbs. Will he be haunted by the faces of the animals he helped savagely destroy? Maybe. I doubt it though, because he looked at those faces many times before and continued to do what he did.

And you know what? If he is haunted, who cares? He's got a new contract, a new team and a ton of money. Maybe he can start a new dog fighting ring to take his mind off his hauntings. If he gets caught again, he'll just have to spare another 18 months. After that, it's smooth sailing.

My DVR Hates me.

2009-07-25T21:33:00.000-07:00

It's been a slow couple of weeks in DVR land. Most of my regular shows have ended for the season, and what was once a list of about 30 shows a week that were on my schedule, has now turned in to about 4.

Now, I can rejoice that "True Blood" has returned, along with a new favorite of mine, "Hung". Both shows are part of HBO's counter programming of airing new shows, while basic cable airs repeats. It's working, because it's giving me something to look forward to, and it's giving my DVR a job to complete.

However, I think my DVR is just a little lonely. It's been so used to recording just about every piece of total trash on TV, that it's gone into a state of panic from only being in charge of recording the newest episodes of shows of quality, like "Chelsea Lately", "The Soup" the previously mentioned "True Blood" and because I like to pretend I'm cultured, "Real Time with Bill Maher".

That must be the reason that this week, after not turning my TV on for 2 days(I KNOWWWWW!), I was confused to see the following list of shows in my recorded list: 2 episodes of Chelsea Lately, Hung and Toddlers & Tiaras.

Toddlers & Tiaras. Seriously.

Now, I don't really recall EVER asking my DVR to record this show, and in fact, if it wasn't for "The Soup" I wouldn't have even known it existed. But, I kid you NOT, my DVR recorded an episode of "Toddlers & Tiaras" without my knowledge or consent.

I immediately went into my "list of recorded shows" menu, and scrolled down the 4,000 that I had in there, and, wouldn't you know, "Toddlers & Tiaras" WAS in there. It was selected as "Record only First Run Episodes", which means that I had recorded the Season Premiere. I swear I do NOT remember asking my DVR to record this show, but in a way, I'm kinda glad it did because it gives me something else to talk about on this blog besides Katherine Heigl...for now.

AND OF COURSE the ONE TIME I am NOT going to write about Heigl, Newsweek.com decides to write an op-ed piece entitled: "Why is Katherine Heigl so Annoying?" I'm.fucking.serious.

I need to get back on track before I go on a rampage about someone dissing my Queen C.

So, as I said before, my DVR must REALLY hate me. It's either bored, or it hates me. Or, it knows me...because there is was, "Toddlers & Tiaras", sitting in my recorded shows menu, just BEGGING for me to watch it.

I watched "Chelsea Lately" first, followed by "Hung", and then realized that I had nothing left to view, and decided to throw all rationality to the wind and watch this shitshow. I hit "play" and began my journey into absolute FUCKING INSANITY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Where the FUCK do I begin?! I felt like I had just gone through 2 World Wars by the time the credits rolled(actually, by the time the credits OPENED). I sat in confusion and anger and disbelief for an entire hour, something that doesn't usually happen to me unless I'm viewing something that has Brett Michaels in it. I'm going to attempt to give you a run down about the premise of this show, with as much objectivity as I can. For once, I want to just describe the show with none of my two cents interjected. We can discuss MY thoughts after the description, but for now, read a completely un-biased synopsis:

The show "Toddlers & Tiaras" is the brainchild of a few producers who decided that there was a subject that America was just clamoring to know more about. A subject that had been the cause of many a sleepless night and water cooler conversation. A subject that caused so much dialogue and discussion, curiosity and a need and hunger to learn more. A subject that that gripped the entire Nation: Child Beauty Pageants.

Remember that time you just could NOT stop thinking and wondering about Child Beauty Pageants?! How were they put on? What are the categories? How do the girls rehearse? What is the judging criteria? I NEED TO KNOW!! Well, thanks to "Toddlers & Tiaras", you do!

The show, from the episode that I gathered, follows a different group of girls each week through a specific pageant. The Episode usually begins with an introduction of each girl, their family, a history of the Pageant they are competing for and Interviews with the Pageant Director. You're then treated to an hour of prep, rehearsing and finally, execution of each girl's hard work. Does it pay off for them in the end? Well, you'll have to wait until the very last few minutes of the episode to see which title, if any, our little ladies end up with.

I can't even believe I managed to write that paragraph with only a small dose of sarcasm and hatred. Are you FUCKING kidding me?! Now, I LOVE a trashfest more than anyone else. Hell, I have an entire awards ceremony that honors Trashy, Cunty Women. But this is beyond Trash.

First off, NO. Secondly...NO! And lastly, these are little girls. These are children. Worse, these are FORCED Children. The Episode I saw took place in the south(Surprise, Sur-fucking-prise!), and the amount of time, energy and money that these PATHETIC "Mothers" spent on these little girls is infuriating. I DARE you to watch an episode without cursing at the TV. I almost didn't have a working TV by the end of it. It took every ounce of of strength I had not to throw my fist into the 7 chins attached to the mouth of one of the Pageant Mother's faces.

Oh yea, that's the best part. The Mother's look like something out of a "Chronicles of Narnia" book. Jagged teeth, peeling, disjointed skin and unkempt hair. Their usually overweight, in ragged, dollar store worthy clothing, and their little pageant princess doesn't resemble them AT ALL. Half the time, it looks like a kidnapping.

To watch these creatures prance around in the audience and guide their children through the exact routine she's doing on stage, is one of the only redeeming qualities of this show.

I'd love to take these little girls, who Mommy claims just "LOVES being in Pageants" and put a trophy, sash and crown on one side of the room, and a stack of Brand New Barbies, stuffed animals and coloring books on the other side. Then, I'd ask her "Go to the side of the room that YOU want to go to". Think I'd find one girl throwing that sash over her shoulder?

My point with this particular rant(I'm honestly not sure I even have one. I just wanted to write about the Fat Stage Mothers), is that there is a difference between willingly signing up to look like a complete asswipe(New York, The "Rock of Love" Sluts, The Bad Girls Club), and being a complete asswipe that takes innocent victims along for a ride they never agreed to take part in(Toddlers & Tiaras, Jon and Kate, That fucking PIG that had 14 kids, etc).

Kids need to be kids. If you expose your children to Television and Pop Culture too early, resulting in a loss of their innocence, the ONE thing that MAKES them a CHILD, then you run the risk of having them grow up to be...like me.

I will admit that I didn't cancel the series recording of this show. I'm not sure I'll continue watching after the abuse my TV took from my dirty mouth raging against these disgusting slobs that call themselves Parents, Or from my eyes witnessing a 4 year old with more Make Up on her face and higher heels on her feet than most of my 20 something girlfriends. But if you REALLY want to see TRASH in it's purest form, which is Trash that doesn't know it's Trash, then I recommend you do what my DVR did. But don't say I didn't warn you.

She totally reads my blog...

2009-07-21T14:18:00.000-07:00

She did it.
She stepped it up!

Katherine, you've brazenly pushed that amateur C Danielle out of the way and firmly cemented your place as the Biggest C in the entire Universe!!!

I bow to you, my Queen.

People.com reports:

Katherine Heigl may be back to work on the set of Grey’s Anatomy, but according to the actress, it hasn’t been a super-happy homecoming.

“Our first day back was Wednesday and it was — I’m going to keep saying this because I hope it embarrasses them — a 17-hour day,” Heigl told David Letterman during a visit to the Late Show on Monday, “which I think is cruel and mean.”

As open as she is about her feelings about the show, Heigl remained tight-lipped about the fate of her character, who was last seen in an ambiguous scene after undergoing surgery for a brain tumor. “You last saw Izzie, you know, flatlining,” she told Letterman. “So, I won’t give it away but, you know, I’m there so I’m either there as a ghost, on the other side or I survived a disease no one survives.”

You.Hot.Bitch

I love you, Heigl. I love you for the same reasons everyone hates you. You speak your mind and you manage to insult everyone and EAT, let alone bite, the hand that feeds you!

Bow DOWN Danielle! Bow DOWN Ivanka! Bow DOWN Ciara Michelle! Bow DOWN Cindy! This is what every little girl should strive to be!!

Heigl, I salute you. Please don't ever, ever, ever stop.

Step it up, Heigl.

2009-07-15T13:19:00.000-07:00

I'll keep this blog post short and sweet.
Below is a quote my Heigl gave to InStyle magazine:

"I hate the idea that I can't be honest about how I feel about things because it's going to piss somebody off who feels differently. That seems preposterous to me."

Preach, C.

But...let's have less talking about how others feel when you are being honest. No one cares. They just care when you say something completely cunty.

You know what's preposterous to me? That people don't appreciate Heigl for the incredible C she is!! This woman is singlehandedly pissing EVERYONE off on EARTH with practicly every sentence that comes out of her mouth.

Do you realize what a RARITY and HONOR that is? She should be applauded. Though, I bet even a round of applause would piss her off...Which is exactly why I adore her so much.

But ENOUGH explaining yourself. Step it up, Heigl.

Danielle, from "The Real Housewives" is gaining on you.

I need the next phrase out of your mouth to be hateful and venomous, not reflective.

No one likes a reflective cunt.

Remember The Time

2009-06-29T19:21:00.000-07:00

I have a collection of home movies. It's a little ridiculous. Over the years, my family has accumulated over 50 VHS tapes filled to the end with random, endless "family" moments.

The story goes, my Grandmother(on my Father's side) bought my Father a Camcorder for his first Father's Day. She wanted him to document his child(ren) so that we would always have those memories. I'm glad she did that, because I have hours upon hours of footage of myself. I can watch myself grow up anytime I want. I can relive moments that defined me, if I was lucky enough to experience them on camera.

Tape 1 of my home movie library is the weekend of my first birthday. The weekend of August 26th, 1984. Midway through the tape, a little after my first documented bath, and right before my first birthday party, there is a 4 minute piece of footage that documents my first dance. Not my first step, or first word, but my first dance. I'm laying on my back with my Mother sitting Indian style next to me. I'm staring at the Television. "Thriller" is playing. I'm transfixed. I'm watching, as if my not even 1 year old mind can even comprehend what I'm seeing...and I start to shake. I shake my little butt, and wiggle my legs, and wave my tiny arms in the air. My mother begins to laugh. It's one of my favorite moments of my life...because it documented my love of Music, and the exact moment I fell in love.

Michael Jackson is dead. I can't even believe I typed that sentence. I still can't believe it. I'm stunned. Should I be? Yes. I think It's ok if I am. Did I know him? Personally? Absolutely not. But I knew him. I knew him my entire life. He was always around. His face was always on the TV, his voice was always in my house, his image is forever in my head. He was my first Superstar. He was the first person I latched on to, and followed, even when I didn't know exactly what I was following.

I had his cassettes, and his concerts, and his doll. I listened to his music, tried to dance like him, and hung on every word he said. He was my childhood. He was one of the one things I truly, vividly remember about growing up. Some people remember their first little league game, or the first time they skinned their knee, or their first report card. I remember music. I remember Michael Jackson.

Just as depressing as his sudden death, is the realization that the Superstar, the Icon that Michael Jackson was to the world, well, those days are dead too. We'll never have another Michael. Not just because he was so talented. I'm talking about the level of stardom that he achieved. The cultural significance he stood for. The amount of albums he sold, or the hysteria at his tours, or the epic premieres of his latest music videos. It's all gone. It died with him.

Michael was our generation's Elvis, Lennon or Sinatra. The cultural and Musical Icon that united us with music, offstage antics and the power to keep us all guessing and waiting...and wanting.
We live in an era of convenience and a short attention span. We go to Itunes to get music. We have albums months before they are released thanks to file sharing sites. We see concert footage on Youtube months before our scheduled date. Every week there is a new artist launched, replacing the artist that just hit it big months before. It's a revolving door of mediocrity, and we could care less. Because there's always something new and different around the corner. There is no staying power anymore. The Icons of before have survived, for the most part, but aren't breaking records like they used to. Paul McCartney tours seldom, along with Elton John and Billy Joel. Cher has a residency in Las Vegas. Madonna is known more as a blueprint and reference than as an artist. Prince releases music that falls on deaf ears. Michael is/was a tabloid fixture.

No one grips the nation, or the world, like Michael did. And no one ever will. Those days are over. I think that, more than anything else, is what makes his death so final. Everything that he stood for, culturally, musically and as an all around Entertainer seemed to die with him. We, the children of the early 80s, were the last generation to experience cultural musical icons. Michael, Madonna, Prince...they are all a part of our DNA.

But the kids now, or the ones yet to be born, they'll never experience a concert without seeing footage of it on youtube first. They'll never get to see the World Premiere of a music video like "Black or White", or "Remember the Time", broadcast on 4 networks at once. They'll most likely never even see a music video on TV. They'll never live in a day and age when an Artist sells 27 million copies of ONE album, or gets the ENTIRE world talking by doing something as seemingly simple as shuffling backwards. That's the sad part.

Michael's death has affected me for selfish reasons, first and foremost. I'm angry that I'll never get to see him live, like my Mother did in the early 80s. I'm mad that I'll never hear new music from him again. I'm upset that I'll never know what new music video concept he'll come up with. He gave me so much, and I want more. We all do. Which is I guess what made him so special.

You can say what you want about him. You can call him names, and say he was weird, or disfigured, or tortured, or that you believe the accusations against him. But you can't say he never made you dance, or sing along, or held your attention.

I owe my love of music, art and the Entertainment Business, as well as my creativity, in large part to Michael Jackson. For that, I'm grateful. And the beauty of this is, because of that camcorder, I can relive the moment I learned to dance...and thank MJ for it.

Rest in Peace(finally.)
Michael Joseph Jackson
1958-2009

The Real C's Of New Jersey

2009-06-19T09:01:00.000-07:00

You know, sometimes it gets exhausting talking about Katherine Heigl in every blog post. Ok, no it doesn't. But it must get exhausting(and annoying) reading about Katherine Heigl in every blog post. She is the Queen C though, and must be covered accordingly.

Last week my friend waited on her Mother at a restaurant, and I told him to text me every time she comes in, and especially when she brings her stunning daughter. I also told him to thank her Mother for raising the biggest C in Hollywood. I'm not sure he did it, cause I think he wanted a tip, and a job, at the end of the night.

However, Heigl has been off the C Map for a few months. She's been quiet. She's been laying low. She hasn't been complaining or yelling at anyone(on camera, anyway). And this has left a tremendous gap in my heart. I love my C's. Which brings us to the woman that is quickly crawling at Heigl's thrown like no one before!

There is a franchise on Bravo entitled "The Real Housewives...", which aims to set both Women and anyone with an IQ over 60 back about 100 years. I've never watched a season of this garbage(and mind you, I watch "The Bad Girl's Club" and "Hookers At the Point") and had no plans to. It usually consisted of 5-6 plastic surgery addicted, pill popping, money grubbing, bleach blond, slutty pigs spending their day draining their Husband's bank account and bragging about it at the same time.

These are the people in the world that I can't stomach. Not because they are total trash. We all know I love trash. But because they exist solely on the success of someone else, and have no qualms about doing that.

My beloved Mother won't watch a damn thing I recommend to her. I try to get her to watch "Grey's Anatomy", "True Blood", "30 Rock" and the other quality shows I enjoy. She refuses. She says she "doesn't watch TV". She claims she "can't keep up with the schedules of the show". Yet, she watches every single season of "The Real Housewives..." religiously. Even the Atlanta season. Wow.

When the new season, the franchise filmed in New F'ING Jersey, started airing their promos and building buzz, I had every friend asking me: "Are YOU gonna watch?!" Everyone knows I love a good train wreck, especially when silicone 34DD's, receding hairlines, Lee Press-On Nails and Stomach baring evening wear is involved. So, naturally you'd assume that I would eat this shit up.

Even my MOTHER, the woman that raised me to never depend on another, to never compromise or brag or appear or act trashy, was inquiring about me watching the show. Well, Mother knows best, and on HER advice, I tuned in.

Damn Her.

These women are QUEENS. These women are Stunning, Trashy, Piggy, Slimy, Disgusting displays of the modern woman...and I love every second of it.

Though, like most groups of this kind, one always stands out. One has just a tad(or 150 ounces) more botox in her face, or bigger, harder fake breasts, or longer, trashier acrylic nails. Ladies and Gentleman, please help me welcome Danielle to the "C" club.

Danielle, Danielle, DANIELLE!!! Where do I begin?! This woman is INCREDIBLE. She has total lion face(my term for too much facial work, when your face is so stretched out it resembles a wild cat), an obnoxious, cringe inducing Jersey accent, and she fights with EVERYONE! She's my kind of C!

I can't even begin to describe Danielle's storyline on this shit show, but I can assure it's EPIC. This crazy bitch has a past that would make Amy Fisher stand up and say "that's fucked up!" This woman is my hero in every way imaginable, from the way she treats her 9 and 14 year old children like her best friends, speaking to them about her sex life, her slutty past and her drama with the women in her community, to the way she dates a 26 year old(who looks older than her, btw) while her ass is approaching 50 rapidly.

Danielle is the C of New Jersey, and has no issue or hesitations with fighting with EVERYONE! She'll start a fight at a housewarming dinner(which takes place in a fucking RESTAURANT...I guess that's a Jersey thing?), in front of small children.

I can't. I can't even. This woman is a masterpiece and I salute her. If she keeps up this classy behavior she may steal the crown of the C's right off of Heigl's head.

Heigl you better step up your game. You need to do something MAGNIFICENT. I'm waiting...

In the meantime, please try to catch the full season of "The Real Housewives of New Jersey" to experience the splendor that is Danielle.

Album of the (Half) Year.

2009-05-24T11:16:00.000-07:00

Well folks, we're coming up on the half year mark of 2009, and I think it's time to give you my insight on what I think is the best album of the year...so far.

Now, music lovers know that major labels generally save their biggest releases and high profile artists for the last quarter of the year(Oct-Dec) to drum up Christmas sales, but high profile doesn't always mean good music. I'm holding my breath for the releases in the next 6 months, but now that the first 6 months are coming to an end, let's celebrate the best of 09 as of now.

Thinking back on the releases thus far, there really hasn't been anything that massive, or decent, for that matter. The biggest artist to release an album in the first half of 09 was the just released, eagerly awaited 5th release from Eminem. That is a whole different blog post ladies and gentlemen. To say that album turned out to be a disappointment is an understatement.

After carefully reviewing my ipod, itunes, live shows and feedback from friends, I think there is a very clear winner for Album of the (half) year.

Please help me in congratulating, drum roll...Ms. Lily Allen.

Lily Allen. British Tabloid Target. Drunk. Train wreck. Artist. Who would have thought?

4 years ago Lily Allen became a sensation in her native London, then the world, through MySpace. Remember MySpace? As a teen, Allen posted tracks, lyrics and demos to her MySpace, garnering the attention of users, fans and the recording industry who took notice and quickly signed her to an album deal. Months later, Lily released her debut "Alright, Still".

"Alright, Still" was a sensation in England, and with the single "Smile", got people in the USA talking. Unfortunately, Allen's love of drinking, being politically incorrect, publicly calling out any artist she had problems with, and her love of partying overshadowed the sheer genius of the album with many a music lover, and she was thrown into the "Train wreck" category with Amy Winehouse, Britney Spears, and all the other divas teetering on the brink of sanity.

I hopped on the Lily Allen train late. I discovered "Alright, Still" by accident over a year and a half after it's original release. I had never heard a single cut from the album, including "Smile", her biggest hit in the US. Curiosity got the best of me. What was SO special about this British girl that every blog I read consistently wrote about her? Granted, every thing I read had absolutely nothing to do with her music, and everything to do with her alcohol intake.

So I bought the album, and to say I was surprised would be putting it mildly. This girl was good. This girl was really, really good. The lyrics were clever. The music was fresh. The topics she wrote and sung about were so...mundane. There is a track on the album, "Friday Night", which has an entire verse about Lily's wait in line to get into a club. It's the "Seinfeld" of albums. It's about nothing. And that's what makes it so genius. Needless to say, I've been hooked on Lily since.

Which brings us to her sophomore album, "It's Not Me, It's You". The topic of this blog. The best of the best of 2009 so far. I'd like to think that the tabloid press pushed Lily to make an album so superior and influential to her debut, but more than likely, she just continued doing what felt right to her...which makes her more of an artist than she's given credit for.

When I say that every single track on this album is a standout, I mean it. I can be a harsh critic at times, and very, very rarely are there albums that can be enjoyed, not just tolerated, all the way through. Every track is genius. Every lyric is thought out and executed perfectly. Every topic is fresh, insightful and well thought out.

In 12 tracks, Lily covers everything, and I do mean everything: drug use, fame, her relationship with her Father, President Bush, Religion, Sex, Men, Society's perception of Women, Insecurities, love, and break ups.

Instead of a track by track review, just browse these lyrics, all written by Allen, to see what I mean:

On drug use: "I get involved, but I'm not advocating", "so you've got a prescription, and that makes it legal, I find your excuses overwhelmingly feeble", "so your daughter's depressed, well get her straight on the Prozac, but little do you know, she already takes crack"

On Sex: "There's just one thing, that's getting in the way, when we go up to bed, you're just no good, it's such a shame", "you're supposed to care, that you never make me scream", "I lie here in the wet patch, in the middle of bed, I'm feeling pretty damn hard done by, I've spent ages giving head"

On Religion/God: "Ever since he can remember, people have died in his good name, long before that September, long before hijacking planes" "He doesn't know who's right or wrong, but there's one thing that he's sure of, this has been going on too long"

On Society and Women: "It's sad but it's true how society says her life is already over", "Until the man of her dreams comes along, picks her up and puts her over his shoulder, it seems so unlikely in this day and age"

On President Bush: "So you say, it's not OK to be Gay, well I think you're just evil" "Fuck you, fuck you very, very much, cause we hate what you do, and we hate your whole crew, so please don't stay in touch" "you want to be like your Father, his approval your after, well it's not how you'll find it"

On her Father: "he wasn't there when I needed him, no he was never around", "all I knew is that he loved me very much, he was my hero in disguise", "I'm so pleased, i never gave up on him, oh you wouldn't believe some of the things he did, and everyone said i had to give him some time, and I'm glad that i gave it to him, cause now every thing's fine"

This is not an album typically released in 2009. This is not an album typically released in the last 15 years. There is no cohesiveness. There is no theme. She sings about whatever the hell she wants to sing about, regardless of if it "fits", or if it's "OK" to sing about. Artists rarely take chances like this anymore. Forget a breath, Lily Allen is a monsterous exhale of fresh air in the music industry.

Am I Missing Something???

2009-05-03T12:13:00.000-07:00

I'm finally sitting down and writing this blog post, because I have to get these feelings off of my chest. I briefly mentioned it in my previous blog post, but now I'm going to go in to much greater detail: What's the big deal with Lady Gaga?

Seriously. Ok, I get some of it. I'm the first one to acknowledge and admit when someone has talent, and she certainly has that. The girl can sing, she can play instruments, she writes her own songs, and I give credit where it's due. I've seen concert clips of her and she seems to put on a good show. She's energetic and fun. She dances around, plays the piano, sings live(can't believe I'm putting that as a selling point...shouldn't it always be that way?), and the audience seems to go wild for her. The question is: Why am I not on board?

What is it about her that turns me off? Well, that's actually kind of harsh. I'm not turned off by her. I like some of her songs. They're catchy. But they aren't masterpieces. To me, the public fascination with her goes beyond the music. If it were just about the music, I could understand. But no, she's being hailed as this amazing, artistic, different pop artist who is showing us something we've never seen before! She's soooo artistic and creative! She wears bubbles as outfits! She dyes her hair crazy colors! She's weird! She's one of a kind!!

Well, see, no...no, she's not. Because 15 years ago, there was Gwen Stefani, and 25 years ago, there was Madonna, and 30 years ago there was Debbie Harry, and 40 years ago there was Cher, and...I could go on and on. And frankly, each of those ladies did it much better. Why? I don't know why. But it felt organic. It felt like they dressed and acted the way they did because it's who they were. With Lady Gaga, it feels SO forced. It's as if the music isn't strong enough on it's own, so there needs to be this bizarre public persona to go along with it. It's something that I'm sure was said about each of the women I mentioned before, and maybe she'll surprise me, but something isn't clicking. It just seems so unnaturally over the top...

Strip away the bindi, the cut up boy's vest, bright red lipstick and hair swirl in Gwen Stefani's high ponytail, and "just a girl" would still be as powerful and classic as ever. I'm not really sure the same can be said for Lady Gaga's songs, with the exception of her first single "Just Dance".
That's the difference, I guess.

Plus as far as music goes, it's catchy, but it's not great art. It's not so amazing and different. Actually, a lot of Lady Gaga's lyrics don't make any sense at all. But it's pop music. It's fun. It's meant to bring people to the dance floor to dance...and it does that. That's fine. But call a spade a spade. If you want dance music that's cutting edge, intelligent and really artistic, check out Robyn...or for that matter, early Madonna.

Lady Gaga, like every other female pop artist with a sense of style and individuality(including Ms. Stefani, when she first hit the scene, ironically) is being hailed as the "new Madonna", the successor to the throne of Ciccone, the new femme fatale that's going to make the music industry a much more fun place. If we've learned nothing from Tiffany, Debbie Gibson, Samantha Fox, Britney Spears, Christina Aguilera, and every single other female singer that has been hailed as the "new" Madonna, maybe we'll learn it from Gaga: There is no new Madonna, because the old Madonna left such an indelible mark on pop culture, music, art and fashion that there is nothing new left to do. Plus, the old Madonna is still alive and kicking, and I have a feeling it's going to be that way for a very long time.

My point in this rant is not to show my fandom and appreciation to cutting edge artists like Madonna and Gwen, or to even tear down Lady Gaga, someone who I do think is very talented. My point is that people need to stop hailing this woman as the second coming of anything, and just listen to the music and enjoy it for what it is: mindless pop fun.

She's released a total of 3 singles so far, and because she carries around a teacup that matches her outfit, and wears funky wigs, she's being celebrated as a pop icon. It takes a very long time to achieve that status, and 3 singles and a crazy wardrobe doesn't earn it in my eyes. Let's wait for the second, third and fourth album releases from Gaga before we give credit where it's due in the icon field. Cool?

Oh, and please stop comparing this girl to Madonna. It's insulting to anyone that has ever really thought outside of the box...especially Madonna.

Thanks.

"Hello Katy" hits NYC.

2009-04-07T09:10:00.000-07:00

Forgive me for my lack of posts. I've been working, on locations on shoots and sitting in my bedroom watching hours upon hours of awful, mindless reality TV. Now that the Bad Girl's Club has ended, I can get back to my wonderful blog.

Last night I saw Katy Perry's "Hello Katy" Tour at The Filmore Theatre at Irving Plaza, and I felt compelled to share my experience with everyone. Besides, now that the Bad Girl's Club has ended and Heigl is about to die on Grey's Anatomy, I'm really stretching for things to keep this blog afloat. Bare with me.

I love living in New York. There is something about seeing an artist play live in New York City that carries it's own electricity with it. It's like the artist has to try harder, play harder, sing louder, jump higher and compete with the energy of the city and it's inhabitants. There is no way to "phone in" a show in New York City. Because not only will the city eat you alive, but the fickle, jaded New York audience won't settle for it either. Madonna, the queen of live shows has often said that no matter how hard she works each show, she never works harder than she does for a New York audience. If you want to see an Artist in their prime, see them in New York.

Katy Perry must have taken Madonna's advice because she was on fire last night. From the moment she stepped(actually, jumped) on stage to the final encore, she was a non-stop force of nature. She engaged the audience, she spoke between almost every song, she fed off the energy of the venue and she sang and played her heart out. Switching between playful banter, rocking out on her guitar, singing more powerful than I've ever heard her do before and sweating like it was her job, Katy made it her duty to not just play her album, but to make sure the audience was apart of every aspect of her show.

The stage was simple and visually appealing at the same time. The venue is rather small, but Katy managed to make it hers but filling her performance space with random, giant inflatable fruits like raspberries, strawberries and one large banana. At the end of the stage was a massive replica of a cat's head, whose eyes light up an electric blue between, during and after songs. Katy stayed in one colorful suit the entire time, sans the encore when she changed into a purple leopard leotard, and used her vocal and musical talent as the real star of the show. The stage and one costume change were icing on the cake. Katy used her music to take the audience on a journey...something that's incredibly rare to see at a concert nowadays.

Perry performed her entire major label debut album "One of the Boys", minus one song, the stellar "I'm Still Breathing". While I was disappointed with the omission of that song, I couldn't have been happier that she replaced it with her incredible, better than the original, cover of Outfield's "Use Your Love". Check out her "Ur So Gay" EP on Itunes to listen to the genius of her retelling of the track. She dedicated that song to "All the parents, the Milfs, who took their kids to my concert tonight and who are standing in the back". Bridging a gap between Parents and Kids in for one 4 minute song was just one of the highlights of Katy's unique way of making everything she does and says universal.

The reason Perry is so successful is because she doesn't take herself too seriously, and trusts that the audience she appealing to "gets" her. She's confident that while songs like "I Kissed a Girl" and "Ur So Gay" may seem like nothing more than a cheap way of getting publicity, anyone who dares to check out the rest of the album will see half of it written solely by her, instrumentation credit on every song, and lyrics and melodies that resonate long after the first, second, or tenth listen. She doesn't ram the fact that she has actual music talent down the listener's throat, and instead does her own thing, hoping that you come along for the ride. There's something that's completely organic about what she does, no matter how bizarre the clothes she's wearing or the sentences she's saying may be.

Lady Gaga is getting tons of attention now for being so different and edgy, and I just don't get it. I can appreciate her vocal and piano talent, but there is something that seems so forced about her entire persona, from the outfits to the stage antics and the interview snippets. To me, she's trying to stand out instead of JUST standing out. This is the difference between Lady Gaga and artists like Katy, Sia, Lily Allen, Gwen Stefani and Robyn. There's an underlying confidence in what the latter artists do that the former just doesn't exude, in my opinion.

The last song of the night, the all important encore, was prefaced with Katy proclaiming "This is what started me, and this is what's bringing me home" before launching into "I Kissed A Girl". The song brought the house down, and Katy disappeared backstage with the final "and I liked it". Short, simple and making the audience wants more. That's how you wow a New York City crowd.

Farewell, my Queen(s).

2009-02-10T12:09:00.001-08:00

Why does EVERY post I write have to involve Heigl lately?

Seriously, this is out of hand.

I should really be blogging more often, and blogging less about Heigl, but it seems that this Total C is the ONLY person out there that gets me motivated.

This blog post is rather somber, as it's finally been confirmed that Heigl is leaving "Grey's Anatomy". She's taking her BFFN(best friend for NOW, until my ass gets closer to her) T.R. Knight with her.

Read all about this shit here: http://www.usmagazine.com/news/katherine-heigl-tr-knight-leaving-greys-anatomy

Party Crasher.

2009-01-24T13:00:00.000-08:00

Friday night was supposed to be a quiet evening with friends. We planned a late night dinner at Rosa Mexicana, a swanky restaurant in Lincoln Center for 10:30pm. My friend Maura even made reservations, something she never does. She's spontaneous, which is why I love her.

The reason we decided to eat so late was because Maura and another mutual friend, Amanda, had tickets to see that hot bitch Chelsea Handler at Carnegie Hall. I was jealous, of course, because any woman that curses like a sailor and uses a little person as a personal assistant and sidekick is a woman I want to see every second of my life, let alone at Carnegie Hall.

I had plans of my own that evening, and figured 10:30 wasn't that late to have dinner. Well, as always, I was wrong. At around 9:00, I started feeling hunger pains. I had to eat something, so I called up my friend Jon, another dinner invitee, and asked if he wanted to get a small snack before our dinner.

Jon was completely wasted beyond belief(at 9pm...god I love my friends!), and happily agreed to grab a snack.

We met at Renaissance Diner on 53rd and 9th, ordered some grub while Jon belligerently cursed an old flame of a mutual friend, telling me rather loudly that he'd "love to punch that bitch in her fucking face". The waiter barely came to check on us as we ate, and I'm pretty sure it's because Jon scared the shit out of him.

At around 9:50pm, while I was still trying to force any kind of substance that wasn't alcohol down Jon's throat to sober him up, my phone rang. It was Amanda.

I answered and instantly heard a sea of voices, car horns and my friend Maura in the background screaming like a lunatic. "Hello?"

"Um, we're all following Chelsea Handler down the street. She just wrapped her show and she's walking back to her hotel, and there's like, a hundred people following her."

"Nice! So when are we meeting at the restaurant" I was hungry. I had only eaten a grilled cheese sandwich the entire day. We had dinner plans. Let's go to DINNER.

"Well, we're going to-Um, oh she's going into the Dream Hotel!"

"Ok...so-"

"Oh my god! Maura just followed her in the hotel!! Holy Shit! What do I do? Do I go in?"

Before I had a chance to answer, the phone hung up. Now, had I not been so hungry and expecting a nice dinner with friends, I probably would have told Amanda to run into the hotel. But this was the starving version of me, one that is not to be fucked with, and all I really wanted to do was meet at the restaurant and eat.

As we paid the bill at the diner my cell phone began to vibrate furiously. Amanda told me, with the help of about 16 text messages, that her and Maura had managed to enter Chelsea Handler's private after party in the bar of the Dream Hotel, that it was open bar, celeb filled, and that I had to come and check it out.

None of this was registering to me for some reason. I didn't really realize the absurdity of all of this, but I knew with my luck that only thing would happen if I did head to the Dream Hotel: I wouldn't be allowed in. It's one thing for two, pretty, peppy girls to manage to sneak their way into a party. But it's quite another for 2 men, one of them completely inebriated, to be allowed access.

After some texting back and forth I decided on a plan. The only way this was going to work was for one of the girls to come out and get us. The staff at the hotel had already seen the girls enter the party, so at this point they were either invited guests or the staff had realized they were crashers too late and wanted to save themselves the embarrassment of their security snafu by letting them be. If Amanda or Maura came out and got us, everyone would think we were with them(which we were) and let us walk right into the party with no problems.

Jon and I headed over to the Dream Hotel and texted the girls when we arrived. I was just waiting for this to all blow up in our face. I was waiting for the Security team to develop common sense and stop us, I was waiting for Maura and Amanda to not bother coming and getting us and leaving us in the cold...I was waiting for anything to happen to prove a point that shit like this does not happen. You don't crash an after party of a celebrity and get away with it.

Maura met us at the entrance of the hotel, whisked us in and walked us into the party like she owned the place. "You must say hello to Chelsea when you see her! She was fantastic tonight!" she exclaimed within earshot of the hostess and security guard that were securing the entry to the party. And suddenly they were behind me. Holy shit. We just crashed this party.

We turned the corner and were suddenly in the middle of a sea of industry types, celebs, friends and family, and of course, Chelsea Handler.

The party was sponsored by Grey Goose, which meant an open bar and cocktail waitresses' offering variations of classic cocktails. What the fuck is going on?! I noticed Amanda across the room mingling with an agent from William Morris. I headed over, gave her a kiss hello, and commented on how nice the party was, as if EITHER of us had ANY business being there.

About 15 minutes in to mingling, I began to regain my cool. I had spent the previous time just waiting for the other shoe to drop. I was waiting for someone, anyone to glance over at our group of misfits and realize that we had NO relation to ANYONE in the room. At all.

I had a few drinks in me, I was working the room and having a blast. At one point Maura pulled Chelsea over to our group and told her how fantastic she was at the show, to which Chelsea graciously thanked her. With a look in her eyes like she had absolutely no idea who any of us were, she thanked us for coming. I swear at that moment she realized none of us belonged, but appreciated the balls we had in doing something so ridiculous, and let us be.

We stayed for another 20 minutes or so before deciding to head to our reservation at Rosa Mexicana, which we were now over an hour late for. As we walked towards the coat check, we found Chelsea chatting it up with some other guests. When she noticed we were heading for the door she screamed "Bye guys! Thanks for coming!" We thanked her back, grabbed our coats and headed to dinner.

This is my life folks. This is why I moved to New York City. Anything is possible. Nothing is out of bounds. As long as you have the friends who don't care and the balls to follow through, you can get away with pretty much anything.

And by the way, the dinner wasn't all that great. But the conversation about the hour we had before made up for it.

The People's Choice Awards.

2009-01-08T09:29:00.000-08:00

I must have really felt like doing a bit of self loathing last night, because in addition to Tivo'ing "13:Fear is Real" and catching up with the latest episode of "90210", I decided to attempt to sit through The People's Choice Awards.

When I say "sit through" what I mean is that I Tivo it, and start watching it about an hour and half into the show. This way I can fast forward through all the crap and watch what I want. Well, considering that I only watched about 6 minutes total of a 2 hour awards show, should give you a bit of an idea of what this garbage was all about. Yes, I just called a show garbage. And I watch "The Bad Girl's Club".

Queen Latifah hosted this mess, which is strike 1 in my book. She has to be one of the most overrated performer's in Hollywood today. She can't act. At all. She's awful. Yet, for some reason she is continually given meaty(pun intended) roles, which she continually ruins. She's consistent. I'll give her that.

She started the show off in the audience telling me, the viewer, what a treat I was in for this year, and she galloped her way from Celebrity to Celebrity, as if to almost shout "Look! There's famous people here! Stay Tuned!" Every Celeb she approached looked mortified, and the inane banter she tried to pass off as comic relief was unbearable. I only WISH she would have tried to pull this fuckery with Heigl, who was in the crowd. Heigl would have taught that bitch a lesson in entertainment she would never forget. I can just imagine Latifah(I refuse to call anyone a Queen, with the exception of Zac Efron) trying to bounce banter off of Heigl. I'd give her a minute before she ripped Latifah's weave off, strung it around her neck, climbed on her back and rode her like the horse she is off into the sunset of LA. Needless to say, I fast forwarded through the first 20 minutes.

Carrie Underwood performed during the first segment(I don't understand THAT fascination), Ellen came out and did her same "Ellen" routine and Adam Sandler won an award. This was one of "those" shows. By that, I mean that you KNOW who is going to win, because the winner is the ONLY Nominee who attended.

I was fast forwarding through this mess like crazy, until 30 minutes in, when I saw her face...Heigl! I quickly realized that 27 Dresses was nominated for an award, and I hit play instantly. I knew it was going to win because Heigl doesn't go to an award show unless she wins. She's just that kind of "C". I couldn't help but think that Heigl was having a fantastic New Year's. This was her second award this week, and though it's not as highly regarded as a "C Award", it's still publicity.

Of course, 27 Dresses won, and Heigl pranced herself up to the stage with 4 or 5 other peons(cast members) and accepted her award...graciously. Ugh! WHAT THE FUCK?! Are you SERIOUS?! Who IS this?! You mean to tell me that Katherine Heigl, THE Katherine Heigl, was praised for something and she couldn't think of ANYTHING to complain about? She couldn't trash the movie at least once while accepting an award for it? She couldn't punch one of her co-stars in the privates or smash the award on the ground or curse out the audience? This is WHY she won the "C Award"! I'm offended. I should have given the award to Cindy. Heigl is not living up to her title, and she BETTER start being a little more Cunty if she wants to keep her name in my blog.

The only other things worth talking about are the fact that Dakota Fanning seemed to age 26 years overnight, and Reese Witherspoon warms my cold heart. Reese won for that dumb ass Christmas movie she did(again, ONLY at The People's Choice Awards), and got up on stage and treated it like a Nobel Prize. She was gracious and charming and the complete anti Heigl, which is why I don't understand why I enjoy her so much. She's such a prude. She's the type of girl that probably wears two pairs of panties to Church out of "respect". Heigl is the type of girl that is more likely to burn a church down before she steps foot in it, although the end result is the same either way.

All in all, I watched Heigl and Witherspoon's acceptance speeches, and cursed my TV out the rest of the time as it fast forwarded through EVERYTHING else.

If this is what I have to look forward to this Award Season, I'm better off watching that clip of Heigl serving that announcer a verbal beat down for pronouncing her name wrong continuously.

Actually, I think I'd do that anyway....

What a Bunch of C's!

2008-12-30T08:47:00.000-08:00

Last Night at Burger King in the Hunts Point area of The Bronx, The 2008 C Awards Ceremony were held. It was a star studded affair, but as the organizer of the event, it was nothing but a headache.

Frankly, I'm really starting to think about cancelling the ceremony and mailing the awards to the Winners. It's too much. Though, I'm not sure what I expected would happen when you fill a mid-size Burger King in The Bronx with some of the biggest C's on the planet.

There were some surprises, mainly that almost EVERY nominee showed up, with the exception of almost ALL the "Outstanding Personal C" contenders. I'm disappointed in them, but at least the Winner of the category was there to accept her prize.

The Highlight of the night was Katherine Heigl's emotional acceptance speech. She made her way to the podium twice, but only bothered to give one speech. During her win for "Outstanding C moment ", she merely walked on stage, cigarette in hand, grabbed the award and gave the crowd the finger. Her declaration of cuntiness is rivaled by no one, and below is an excerpt of her speech after winning the coveted "Outstanding C of the Year, Celebrity:

"I'd like to Thank myself. Really, this is quite an honor for me. When I got into this business, I wanted to be looked at as a role model. I wanted to be the known as the biggest cunt in all of the world, and this award brings me one step closer to that goal. As a little girl, I dreamed of the day when I could walk around the streets chain smoking, cursing out the handicapped and getting paid massive amounts of money to play doctor, and it's nice to know that some of my dreams have come true. Fuck you all, especially Mike Fortino..."

One of the biggest surprises of the night was Cindy's win for "Outstanding C in a TV Series". Heigl was considered a shoo-in for the prize, but Cindy ultimately came out the winner. Cindy couldn't be at the ceremony, as she was working a double shift that night(In Hooker terms that means she was covering 4 separate corners) but she sent in a video taped acceptance speech:

I don't think Cindy understood that she was winning an award, because I don't know what the hell that had to do with my ceremony, but I appreciated it anyway. I'm guessing the crack must have just kicked in as she hit record on the video camera. She's so hot.

Jan Terri opened the show with an acoustic rendition of "Lose you Tonight", her winning song, and received a standing ovation. Backstage, Terri told me that this was the biggest crowd she had ever played for, and was nervous. She played the hell out of the song, and the crowd of 24 was appreciative.

Laissez Faire surprised everyone by doing a medley of BOTH of their singles, "To be in your arms" and the nominated "In Paradise". The girls wore the same outfits on stage that they wore in the iconic music video, though now at the ages of 53, 57 and 61, they just can't fill them out like they did before. They aren't Madonna.

Speaking of, Madonna made a quick appearance at the show, causing the crowd to go into a frenzy. Even I thought it was wishful thinking that the Queen of Pop would grace a ceremony honoring Cunts in The Bronx at a Burger King, but low and behold, there she was. She went home empty handed, as Heigl bested her for "Outstanding C Moment", and Sondra Prill won for "Outstanding C Musician, Overall". Like the true C that she is, Madonna stormed out of the ceremony after her loss.

Alisha, one of the other scheduled performers, cancelled last minute, and had to be quickly replaced by a duet between nominees Ciara Michelle and Sondra Prill covering "Somewhere out there" from "An American Tail". As much fun as it was to see Ciara dressed as a slutty Fievel, I missed having Alisha there. I'll give her credit for calling me personally to let me know she couldn't get her shift covered at the Radio Shack in Union, NJ and wouldn't be able to attend.

Ciara Michelle disrupted the night by proving just what an unruly, ungrateful little C she is. Not only did she show up drunk to the ceremony and heckle all of the nominees, but her acceptance speech(if you can call it that) was crass, vulgar and uncalled for. Her speech consisted of belching and taking her allotted 4 minutes of time to try and get the award into a place of her body that no award belongs. Her only saving grace was as I said before, dressing as a slutty Fievel.

All in all, while there were some highlights, there were too many cunts in the kitchen, which made for a very frustrating night for me.

Below are the winners:

**Outstanding "C" in a Motion Picture:

Winner- Zac Efron, High School Musical 3

*I'm VERY surprised at this one, as he was nominated alongside Heigl. I'm hearing rumors that he was originally going to shove his award where an award shouldn't be, but chickened out at the last second, as he had just bottomed and was afraid he'd leak. Ciara Michelle stole his Thunder.

**Outstanding "C" in a Television Series:

Winner- Cindy, Hookers at the Point

**Outstanding "C" in a Television Series, Reality:

Winner- Sister Patterson, New York goes to Hollywood

**Outstanding "C" in Music, Overall:

Winner- Sondra Prill

**Outstanding "C" in a Music Video:

Winner- Jan Terri, Lose You Tonight

**Outstanding "C" Moment:

Winner- Katherine Heigl correcting the presenter about her name during the live Emmy Awards

**Outstanding "C" Trendsetter:

Winner- Heather from "Rock of Love", for her hair

**Outstanding "C" of the Year, Personal (given to someone I personally know)

Winner- Ciara Michelle

**Outstanding "C" of the Year, Celebrity

Winner- Katherine Heigl

The 2008 "C" Award Nominations

2008-12-19T09:55:00.000-08:00

Ladies and Gentleman, today is an epic day for this blog. Today is the nomination announcement for the 2008 "C" Awards, otherwise known as the Fortinos, otherwise known as "The Cunties".

This is my very special way of recognizing and appreciating all of the amazing "C"'s that helped make this year so great. The winners will be announced in a ceremony next week in Hunt's Point, Bx and will be posted for the world to see the following day on this blog.

It comes as no surprise that Heigl has swept the nominations this year with a grand total of 4 nominations! Good Luck Katherine! And Good Luck and many Congratulations to ALL the Nominees!

Without further ado, I give to you the very deserving cunty nominees:

*Outstanding "C" in a Motion Picture

-Zac Efron, High School Musical 3 (note: technically Efron isn't a woman(that I know of) but he possesses arguably more estrogen than every other "c" nominated this year combined. I had to give this little fairy a nod)

-Katherine Heigl, 27 Dresses

-Angelina Jolie, Wanted

*Outstanding "C" in a Television Series

-Cindy, Hookers at the Point

-Shannen Doherty, 90210

-Katherine Heigl, Grey's Anatomy

*Outstanding "C" in a Television Series, Reality

-Air Force Amy, Cathouse

-Kayla, The Bad Girl's Club

-Sister Patterson, New York goes to Hollywood

-Ivanka Trump, The Celebrity Apprentice

*Outstanding "C" in Music, Overall

-Ciara Michelle

-Madonna

-Sondra Prill

*Outstanding "C" in a Music Video

-Alisha, "All Night Passion"

-Laissez Faire, "In Paradise"

-Jan Terri, "Lose You Tonight"

*Outstanding "C" Moment

-Katherine Heigl correcting the presenter about her name during the live Emmy Awards

-Tanisha waking the house up by slamming pots and pans, Bad Girl's Club

-Madonna demanding a fan and complaining about being hot

*Outstanding "C" Trendsetter

-Ciara Michelle, for her shirt dress

-Heather from "Rock of Love", for her hair

-Cindy from "Hookers at the Point", for everything.

*Outstanding "C" of the Year, Personal (given to someone I personally know)

-Ciara Michelle

-Kevin Clamato

-Jon Hackett

-Annie Krasner

-Julie Smith

*Outstanding "C" of the Year, Celebrity

-Katherine Heigl

-Ivanka Trump

-Cindy, Hookers at the Point

-Tanisha, The Bad Girls Club

-Sister Patterson

I Love New York.

2008-12-18T07:39:00.000-08:00

I'm home.

As cliche as it may sound, there's no place like home. New York City is my home. It's good to get away every now and then, but at the end of the day, there is only one place I truly belong. Sometimes you have to start to miss something to realize how important it is to you.

It's like when I miss a re-airing of "Hookers at the Point". For that one hour, I had the chance to see my one true love Cindy...and I dropped the ball. Then, I have to wait weeks, sometimes months, to catch the special again, giving me the opportunity to realize just how much Cindy and her hotness has affected me.

Yea, it's just like that.

I've been to Orange County, Los Angeles and Las Vegas these last two weeks, and while they have the weather and the gambling and the the beaches and the beautiful people, they don't hold a candle to New York. Just like Cindy and Heigl, there is only one.

Being away for two weeks has really made me appreciate how fucking lucky I am. I complain, and I hate the subway when it's crowded, the weather when it's freezing, the rude, obnoxious people that slam into you on a busy cross street and I loathe Tourists, but I wouldn't give any of it up. I'll take the good with the bad, the minor with the major.

I'm 25 and I'm a New Yorker. I live in a Wonderland full of amazing places, people, cultures and history.

It's nice to be safe and typical. Warm weather and beaches and a veiled sense of security is much needed at times, but after awhile it's time to leave the mundane and consistent and head through the looking glass back to Wonderland.

I'm like a modern day version of Alice, with a Penis(kind of.) and a fascination for Katherine Heigl. I guess this means Cindy is the chesire cat, Alisha(that hot bitch freestyle singer) is the Mad Hatter, and of course Heigl is the Queen of Hearts.

There was a time when I thought that one day I'd give this city up and move along, but after being so many places, I have yet to find a location that makes me feel the way this City does...and I doubt I ever will.

Home Sweet Heigl.

2008-12-09T21:03:00.000-08:00

I'm in LA on business for the week. I like saying that. It makes me feel like a grown up. No, I'm not drinking my liver away, eating nothing but junk food or looking up dumb videos on youtube...I'm on "business".

LA is a funny place. I like it. It's warm and its visually appealing. There is so much history and folklore surrounding the city, that it's easy to get wrapped up in it. Then, you factor in the traffic, the smog, some of the inhabitants and the fact that it's probably one of the most vapid, vain cities in the world, and it suddenly loses its appeal.

I can take the city in small doses. I have many friends that relocated here, and it's great to catch up with them. It's great to walk around in a t shirt in December. It's great to be able to see beautiful beaches on a daily basis...but sooner or later, I'm back to longing for New York. I guess I belong there. LA is nice, but it's not New York.

LA does have something New York doesn't, however. I'm not talking about massive Movie Studios, or the Hollywood Sign, or the gorgeous year round weather. I'm talking about Heigl. Katherine Heigl.

Ok, I'm obsessed. I've been enamoured with this bitch since she danced her way into my cold heart in "My Father the Hero". Heigl was the first Hot Bitch that I appreciated in blogging form and is the constant topic of conversations. When I'm in a situation that requires cuntiness, I instantly ask myself "What would Katherine Heigl do?"

No Actress has been nearly as outspoken as this woman and survived to tell about it. This bitch trashes everything she does without thinking twice. She complains about everything and everyone, she smokes like a chimney and she always looks like she's 3 seconds away from telling someone to go fuck themselves. She's an enigma, this Heigl. She should be studied in National Geographic documentaries...fuck those rare Pandas. Can they inhale a cigarette, complain about the film that's paying them enough to buy a country AND kick a Valet Driver in the balls at the SAME time? Didn't think so.

This woman is my hero. When I see her on screen, I smile. I smile and then I try to visualize what she's really thinking...or even what went down two seconds before "Action!" was shouted. When I watch Grey's Anatomy(a show she has CONSISTENTLY trashed in an attempt to be released from her contract) I always envision Katherine throwing scalding coffee over the extras, stomping on her Patrick Dempsey voodoo doll and telling the Director "If you yell at me again, your cock is MINE" as she signals to the shelf of jars holding the actual penis' of past crew members who have pissed her off.

Of course, by "yelling" the Director is merely telling her the scene is about to start. But you do NOT fuck with Heigl and live to tell about it. This woman is so hot.

She's the ultimate "C". I used to use the first letter of "that word" because I didn't want to offend any readers, but now I do it because it's funny. Even though "cunt" is one of my favorite words of all time, something about referring to her as a "c" seems so much more humorous.

Anyway, there is a point in all of this besides just blindly stating that Katherine Heigl is a mondo bitch. I'm in LA. Katherine Heigl LIVES here. I should be able to track her down by the screams of children, the yelps of puppies(she eats them), or by following any fire engine in a 30 mile radius. It would make my decade(and the 20s are supposed to already be your best) if I ran into this woman and she told me off.

If I had the honor of doing something to piss Katherine Heigl off, like sneezing or tying my shoe, it would be the greatest day of my life. It would be a pleasure to have her flick her cigarette on me as she complained about the "dirty LA air", or to complain to me in a Starbucks about how much she "fucking hates coffee" as she waited for her triple espresso. See, she's one of THOSE bitches. The type of bitch that hates evvvvvvverything, even if she partakes in it. It would be a blast to follow her around one day and watch how many people she made cry.

Katherine Heigl, I know you don't read blogs. Because just like Christmas morning, Disneyworld and helping the homeless, they piss you off. But if anyone out there knows Ms. Heigl, and could forward this little love letter along to her, it would be greatly appreciated.

While Katherine's cuntiness and major attitude are around forever, I'm only in LA for a week. Let's do this Heigl. You know where to find me.

The Grammy Nominations.

2008-12-04T10:34:00.000-08:00

I rewrote the introduction to this blog four times before finally settling on this eloquent, to-the-point opening statement: The Grammys fucking suck.

Last night during a televised concert, The RIAA announced their nominations for the 2009 Grammy Awards, and I'm completely shocked by what this industry now considers "Excellence in Recording".

The idea to announce the nominees in a prime time televised concert instead of their annual morning press conference should have given me an idea of the desperation the RIAA is showcasing in an attempt to stay relevant in a time of Ipods, Itunes, Bit Torrents, an ADHD nation and the fickle music tastes of the youth of America. I figured they'd throw some nominations towards some popular "artists" this year, as they've been doing every year for the past 8 years or so, in an attempt to urge younger viewers to tune in, but the nominations this year are downright insulting to any artist that actually put effort into their art.

This year was a decent year for musicians, in my opinion. We had solid debuts from the likes of Sara Bareilles, Katy Perry, The Ting Tings, Duffy and Adele. We had seasoned performers releasing stronger more artistic releases, and in some cases updating their sounds and taking risks: Madonna, Jason Mraz, Pink, Alanis Morissette, Raphael Saadiq, Kanye West, Beyonce and The Killers. We had some indie artists leaping into the mainstream while stile maintaining that uniqueness that made them so interesting: Sia, Kings of Leon, M.I.A and Robyn.

The above artists are just a small portion of the decent and sometimes even phenomenal releases this year. Yet, the Grammys has decided to overlook almost all of these artists, especially in key categories, for the likes of Lil' Wayne, who received a whopping 8 nominations this year, including Album of The Year.

You've got to be fucking kidding me. Lil' Wayne is tolerable at best. He's not the worst M.C out there, but he's certainly not the best. He's nowhere near deserving of the 8 nominations he received this year, and let's try to remember that one of the only albums that received that many nods was a little album called "Thriller". Yes, Lil' Wayne's album "Tha Carter III" is just as deserving as "Thriller" when it comes to artistic achievement. Get the FUCK out of here!

I'm a fan of Hip Hop and I believe that in some cases it's just as expressive and artistic as any other form of music, but only when it's done right. I like verses from the likes of Jay-Z, Kanye West, Nas, The Beastie Boys and Eminem. I like to hear lyrics about things other than bling, bitches and money. I think songs like "Lollipop" are great for clubs or blasting in your car. They don't belong on a Grammy Nomination list.

The list this year is the nail in the coffin of the Grammys reputation of acknowledging artistic merit. They have now become a popularity contest, fueled by ratings and money and are no more important than an MTV Video Music Award. They don't stand for half as much as they used to, and they've been slowly losing that stance since the time they awarded Steely Dan the Album of the Year Grammy, instead of the much more deserving "The Marshall Mathers LP" from Eminem, solely on the basis of not causing a ruckus.

This isn't about me, an avid music lover, throwing a tantrum about my favorite artists not being acknowledged as much as it's a symbol of the changing times of the music industry. Winning a Grammy used to be a career highlight for an artist, now it just a symbol of your popularity and sales figures, much like a platinum plaque. Yes, you can have both. You can be popular and artistic, hell I just defended "The Marshall Mathers LP", but when an album as sub par as "Tha Carter III" is nominated 8 times, while Sia's absolutely stunning "Some People have Real Problems", Sara Bareilles' debut "Little Voice" or even The Ting Tings "We Started Nothing", are virtually shut out, to me, something is definitely wrong.

The only examples of The Grammys getting it right this year were the 5 nominations rewarded to Adele for her album "19" and single "Chasing Pavements" and the nods for Sara B's "Love Song" and Jason Mraz's "I'm Yours" for Song of The Year. But where are Sara and Katy Perry in this year's "Best New Artist" category? Instead we have The Jonas Brothers and two artists I've never EVER heard of battling it out with Duffy and Adele. If the Jonas Brothers take this award over Adele or Duffy, I'll move to Canada...OK, I'm not THAT crazy about Music, but I felt it was time to make a threat during this post and that was the best place to put it.

Maybe at 25 I'm now considered "out of touch" in these musical times. Half of the songs on the charts I'm not aware of until weeks later, as I tend to use the Internet and blog sites to find new artists instead of the radio. And as I grow up, I've gone tired of listening to the one hit wonders, and the songs about "apple bottom jeans", "milkshakes", "lollipops", "lip gloss", and "womanizers". I want something with a little more substance, which is why I've been gravitating so much towards singer/songwriters.

I'm all for shaking my ass at a club to the hottest single at the moment, and I've got quite a few of them on my ipod, but that's where they should stay. They should be recognized for how fast they make you run on a treadmill at the gym, or how much they make you shake it at a club...not being recognized by what used to be the most prestigious award in music.

What do you think?

O, Hoe-y Night...

2008-12-02T20:33:00.000-08:00

There is something magical in the air tonight.

The air seems more crisp, the birds are chirping a little louder and the sun is shining brighter.

Tonight is a holy night. Tonight is the season premiere of "The Bad Girl's Club".

I'm in heaven. This is, hands down, the greatest television series ever created. Sometimes I think the fine people at Oxygen created this masterpiece exclusively for me!

It has everything I enjoy in a television show, and in life in general: Drunks! Whores! Fights! Drunk Whores Fighting! Crazy Bitches! Food fights! Sluts throwing drinks on each other! Topless women! Breasts! Faux Lesbians! And most of that was just in the first episode.

I thought nothing would top last season's series. Tanisha was the hottest bitch of the 07-08 TV season. We've all seen Tanisha on YouTube, slamming those pots and pans and galloping around the mansion like an infant farm animal, or heard her catch phrases countless times "I ain't get no sleep cause of y'all...y'all ain't gonna get no sleep cause of me!", "You mess wit my juice, you mess wit me!", and of course "Pop Off!"

Tanisha deserves an Emmy, Oscar, Tony, Grammy, Nobel prize, a Pulitzer and of course a blog describing my appreciation for her giant ass.

Take a look at this hot bitch in action:

How could THAT ever be topped? HOW?!

Well readers, I think this season may do just that.

On tonight's series premiere, the very first episode, a hour long, the following events took place:

1. The show OPENS with two hot bitches fist fighting in a gas station parking lot, before throwing themselves into the backseat of an SUV to continue the punching, hair pulling(girls are SO hot), and scratching as a fellow cast member screams and cries in the front seat for the two whores to stop. Suddenly the screen goes black and we see the words "17 Days earlier", and the actual show begins. I'm hooked already.

2. We meet each girl and hear a brief description of their life and what makes them a "Bad Girl". These bitches all had the same story. They're drunk, slutty bitches who fight with everyone, fuck anything in a 40 mile radius, and of course, the kicker: hate other girls. I love it. The most annoying of the girls is a bitch named Whitney, who spouts every other minute that she's "from Boston", and that "Boston girls don't play", and "I'm from Boston. I'm hard.", or "I grew up in Boston. I'm a city girl". During a fight later in the episode, Whitney proclaims "I'm a boxer. I took boxing in Boston. You don't wanna see me blackout. I get angry when i blackout. I'm from Boston!" And then she turned into The Incredible Hulk and ate the rest of the cast. I'm just surprised she never said where she was from...all the other girls did. Hm.

3. The girls already gossip and talk shit on each other, sometime gossiping on a cast member who is inches away from them. Again, girls are SO hot.

4. They break into their new house, because all of the doors are locked, and because they're drunk sluts with little respect for property, value and without an ounce of what some call a "conscience", but most call "common sense". In a scene later on in the episode, an attractive guy comes by the house to fix the window. The girls hang around and make jokes about his "caulk" as they watch him. Oh yea, and one of the girls is completely topless the whole time...seriously.

5. The girls drink. and drink. and drink. and drink. and drink.

6. The girls drink. and drink. and drink.

7. The girls go out to a club to be drunk slutty pigs...and drink.

8. 15 minutes into their first outing as a group, Kayla, the hottest bitch:

starts a fight with a club goer and beats the girl's ass. They are immediately all kicked out of the club.

9. They go to their second club that night, the first night out as a group, and 20 minutes into their stay there, Kayla, the SAME hot bitch, gets into ANOTHER fight with a random club goer, and beats HER ass. This.show.is.phenomenal.

10. We see an interview from a random "bad girl"(I'm not even going to ATTEMPT to learn their names, considering that if this season is true to form, half of the original cast is kicked out of the house a few episodes in anyway), where she wonders "Uh! Are we gonna get kicked out of a club every night? It's like, only the first night. By like, the 15th night, we won't have like, any place to hang!"

11. The girls hold a group meeting to discuss "the cleaning situation", obviously the most important topic these girls have in common. Not alcoholism, promiscuity or childhood molestation...but cleaning the house. One of the girls, Amber, asks the others if she has anything they like, in exchange for them cleaning up her mess during their stay. This chick is SO HOT. The other girls look at her like she's saying something ridiculous, like that she doesn't drink, or that she's a virgin, and immediately proceed to the confessional...

12. Once in the confessional, 4 of the girls begin to rip Amber a new one, calling her all kinds of names, and saying how they are going to beat her ass...but of course, not to her face. Amber hears the commotion and heads upstairs and hears the girls talking shit, walks in on them and explains she hard everything.

13. All hell breaks loose. Kayla(of COURSE!) gets in Amber's face and tells her she "don't play", she's "from LA, and ain't FAKE!"(um, since when weren't LA people fake?!), and tells her she'd "love to beat" her ass.

14. Before she ends her tirade, she dumps her glass of alcohol that she's been holding(again, of COURSE) all over Amber's head. Amber throws the drink she's holding(duh.) back at her.

15. Kayla gets in Amber's face some more, and Amber tells her that her "breath stinks". Kayla's response: "Duh, bitch! I been drinkin all day! Of course it stinks!"

16. Amber calls the other bad girls "followers" for going ahead with everything and anything Kayla says. This wreaks havoc. All four girls surround Amber and I wasn't sure if this was going to end in a fist fight or a gang rape(they all had been drinking, you know).

17. The girls head out to a restaurant that night(which is now the second night), and after sitting down at a table and being served, Kayla(wowowowow) overhears a table talking smack about them. So, she screams at the girls from across the restaurant, and then throws her drink at them. They are all kicked out of the restaurant.

Oh.My.God.

And this show has YET to win a Peabody Award?!

I can't wait for the next episode. They showed the "this season on The Bad Girl's Club" trailer after the first episode ended, and I swear when it ended I felt like I'd just been through a war. A really drunk, slutty war fought by really hot bitches, but a war nonetheless.

"I am...fed up with alter egos"

2008-12-02T10:35:00.004-08:00

I really enjoy Beyonce. I enjoy her image, and her stage presence, and of course, her music.
I always enjoyed her. I remember buying Destiny's Child's "The Writings on the Wall" on a Jersey Shore boardwalk at the age of 15, and instantly falling in love with it. Its still in my opinion one of the best contemporary R&B albums.

Beyonce was always front and center during her stay in Destiny's Child, and it was a no brainer that she'd eventually break off on her own. And since the first second of those iconic horns blared in "crazy in love", she's never looked back.

Beyonce released a fantastic debut, "Dangerously in love", followed three years later with the ego driven, aptly titled "B'Day", which was released on her 25th birthday...get it? "B'day" never hooked me like her debut did. It felt so rushed and so frantic in its production and musical styles, later confirmed by Beyonce when she stated she completed the album in 2 weeks, with a different producer behind each track.

Beyonce saturates the media when she's got something to promote. Her marketing team rivals that of Ms. Britney Spears during the early 00s. You don't have to be a fan, or even know how to pronounce her name to know that Beyonce has a new album coming out. So it took me by surprise when one day Beyonce was nowhere to be found, and the following day had released 2 singles and 2 videos for her third album "I am...Sasha Fierce". Huh? Where the hell did this come from and who the fuck is Sasha Fierce?

Even a casual B fan has heard her explain that she is two completely different people. Beyonce, is the person. Sasha is the entertainer. Yes, musicians are bonkers and this is the dumbest thing I've ever heard, but if it works for her, hey, I'm all for it. But to record a project under two different identities is really pushing my limits as a listener. Not only is she really driving home this "Sasha" character, but she's even given her a last name: "Fierce". Yes, "Fierce", the most overused, gay way to describe anything. Really, Beyonce? Really?

So as I read her new bio on MySpace, and listened to the debut single from "Beyonce"(I'm sick of putting quotations around each name this bitch decides to call herself. It's too much work) "If I were a boy", I learned that this album was 2 discs. Disc 1 was "Beyonce" and disc 2 was "Sasha". Ugh, this is so dumb and unnecessary. Oh Beyonce, what are you doing?

I really enjoy "If I were a boy". I think its fresh, it flows and its classic Beyonce. I think it also shows some subtle artistic growth. "Single Ladies", which is "Sasha's" first single, is so annoying and so void of anything that resembles a Beyonce song(catchy, melodic). It's repetitive and the entire bridge of the song sounds like a completely different song. I hate that. As Beyonce...or wait, is it Sasha(?) made the rounds on every single television show ever, she shoved "Single Ladies" down the throats of America. And every time I heard it, I hated it more. This hasn't really happened to me with a Beyonce single. I even liked "Ring the Alarm".

The more I watched her try to justify this song, the more nervous I got for her album. When I finally downloaded the album, my expectations were on the fence. I enjoyed 1 of the 2 first singles, so the rest of this album could really go either way. I'm happy to say that disc 1, the "Beyonce" side, is the strongest work she's ever released. For the first time, she's vulnerable. For the first time, she's expressing that she's in love and that sometimes it's not always "crazy" in a good way. It's a far cry from the Strong, independent woman that she introduced herself as.

We all know by now that she is married to Jay-Z, and that union has no doubt influenced the first disc of the record, as it's made up of songs entirely about love. Sometimes it's protective, overwhelmingly beautiful love("Halo"), sometimes it's a frustrating type of love("If I were a Boy"), sometimes it's expressing how much someone means, in the simplest way possible("Hello"). Whatever the point of view is, the record never sounds repetitive. Each track is a fresh take on the topic. Lyrically, Beyonce puts her heart on her sleeve in a way she's never done before. The strongest track on the entire album, either disc, "Broken Hearted Girl", provides us with one of Beyonce's most honest lyrics of her career: "Yes, there are times when I hate you, but I don't complain, cause I've been afraid that you'd walk away".

There's a bluntness and honesty in some of the tracks that make me appreciate Beyonce's talent a little more, and even help me forgive this whole "Sasha" angle.

And, speaking of "Sasha", Disc 2 is quite solid as well. Although, really there is no difference between the two personalities...at all. The Disc 2 tracks are much more upbeat and range in topics from being a female hustler to being in love with music. Still, they are all very much Beyonce songs. There was frankly no reason these tracks couldn't be mixed in to disc 1 to create a solid SINGLE album.

In my opinion the only real flaw of this double disk album, is the fact that it's a double disk. The album would have been much more seamless had all the slow songs not been on one album, and all the upbeat songs been on another. The problem isn't with the cuts themselves, but in the sequencing of them. The dance tracks get lost in each other after the fourth song begins, and vice versa with the ballads. They lose their meaning and their charm because they are all back to back.

So, in the end "I Am...Sasha Fierce" is a solid, sometimes artistic, always fun contemporary R&B album, with a shitty marketing campaign disguised as an artistic risk. What makes the album special is Beyonce. Not Sasha, or Miss Fierce, or whatever other name she decides to go by.

My suggestion is sequencing both discs in to one play list, putting a fast track after each slow one. The album becomes much more enjoyable when it's performed under one name.

Beyonce
"I Am...Sasha Fierce"
Columbia Records
Release Date: 11/18/2008
http://www.beyonce.com/

Rating: ***1/2 (out of 5)

Listen: "If I were a Boy", "Halo", "Broken Hearted Girl", "Hello", "Radio", "Sweet Dream"

Skip: "Single Ladies", "Ave Maria", "Diva", "Video Phone"

I'd rather be in a "Blackout" than a "Circus".

2008-11-25T08:16:00.000-08:00

It's been awhile since my last post, but it's all for the best, I promise.

I've been listening to new album releases like crazy this past week, forming a solid opinion for each one so that I can review them on here over the next few days.

In the last 5 days, I've gotten my hands on the following albums:

808's and heartbreak- Kanye West
I Am...Sasha Fierce- Beyonce
The Day & Age- The Killers
Chinese Democracy- Guns N Roses
The Stoop- Little Jackie

and of course, the subject of this blog post, "Circus", by Ms. Britney Spears.

I'll preface this review with a little info. I enjoy Britney...occasionally. I believe our generation's answer to the "Elvis or Beatles" question is "Britney or Christina". Ok, not really, but it was the first comparison that came to mind, and I'll probably burn in Music Hell for typing that sentence.

Truth is, I was always a Christina man. I loved Christina. I liked Britney. Britney always seemed to be a manipulated puppet in my eyes. I felt like nothing she ever did was to garner more than whispers and attention, and even if the stunt was genius and thought provoking (that 2000 VMA Performance!), it never seemed to be organic. I never once thought that ANYTHING Britney did was because Britney wanted to do it. I always felt like there was a team of handlers around her that made these decisions, and she was just the mouthpiece.

Well, it turns out my instincts were right. The moment Britney reached her breaking point, she pushed away all of those industry handlers, and the rest is tabloid infamy.

With "Circus", her 6th studio album, The "Hey! I'm not crazy anymore!" promotional tour has kicked in to high gear. She has Larry Rudolph, her longtime manager, and her Father, the "sane" Spears, in her corner. She's back in shape, she's seeming to care a little bit more about her appearance, she's dumped all of the leeches that used and abused her over the past two years, and she's putting more effort into her "art".

This is a far cry from her disastrous VMA performance one year ago. Hell, she even won her first three VMA's ever this year, for arguably one of her worst videos: "Piece of me". She's back ya'll!!

What's so ironic about all of this, is that "Blackout", the album made during the eye of the crazy storm, with almost no input from Britney whatsoever, save for the vocals(which is even debatable at this point knowing the technology in studio production), is her best work to date.

Every track was killer, not filler. Every song made you want to shake your ass a little more than the last. The lead single "Gimme More", with the now iconic intro "It's Britney, bitch", was pure marketing genius. The album was personal, in a way we'd never heard Britney before. Songs like "Piece of Me" and "Why Should I be sad?", neither of which was written with any help from Ms. Spears, painted a portrait of pain and frustration, and ultimately ended with redemption and happiness. THIS is the album Britney should have released this year.

Instead, we're given "Circus". With a not so subtle album title, referring to how Brit's life has been a media circus the last few years, I was expecting the tracks to delve a little deeper than "Blackout", while still maintaining the dance heavy production. I was wrong. It's as if she believes the last two years never happened, and wants the listener to feel the same.

I'm all about artistic expression, and letting the artist do what they do best, whatever that may be. I'm open to the idea that Britney didn't want to beat a dead horse, and wanted to move on from that phase of her life, but as a listener and pop culture addict, I'm extremely disappointed.

Honey, you shaved your head at 1:15am in front of a group of paparazzi. You entered rehab three times in 2 months. You held your children and yourself hostage in your bathroom until the LAPD physically retrieved you and rushed you to a mental institute via ambulance. You had your children and ultimately your freedom as an adult taken away from you. You broke down in front of the entire world. Are you telling me you have NOTHING to say about ANY of this? Not one song, not one lyric?

And yet, the Britney Spears marketing factory is in full effect by naming the album "Circus". She's premiering a new MTV documentary next Friday, and with quotes leaking all over the Internet from it such as "I feel like a prisoner. I want my life back", and "I'm a smart person. I look back on that time and think 'what the hell was I thinking?'", it's funny to me that all of this is left out of her real art.

"Circus" isn't terrible by any means. It just sounds like the album you would expect "Blackout" to be. Scattered, incoherent and inconsistent. The first single "Womanizer" is arguably the most annoying song of the year. There is no melody, the intro to the song sounds like the soundtrack to Mortal Kombat on an old Sega Genesis system, and the entire bridge of the song consists of the following: "Womanizer, Womanizer, Wo-Womanizer, Wo-Womanizer. You, you, you are, you, you, you are, womanizer, womanizer, womanizer, womanizer. Repeat 2x" This is your comeback single? What the hell do I know though. The song went number 1, a feat that the much better "Gimme More" never managed to do.

The album steers clear of anything personal, unlike "Blackout", with the exception of one song, the standout track "Kill the Lights". The production and structure of the song is classic Britney, but it's the only song on the album that gives you any kind of glimpse into what a "Circus" her life has been: "All the flashin', tryin' to cash in, hurts my eyes." and the bridge "Mr. Photographer, I think I'm ready for my close up...is that money in your pocket, are ya happy to see me?"

Other cuts worth a listen are "Circus", which is basically "Piece of Me: Part 2", without all of the bluntness, irony, and fiestyness, "Out from Under", one of the only ballads of Britney's that I actually can listen to all the way through, "Shattered Glass", a typical 'you stole mah' man, and now you gotta pay!' track, and "If You seek Amy" which is catchy, yet I have absolutely no idea what the hell the song is trying to say. It's funny, because when I first saw the track list, I thought this may have been a song about the media's fascination with train wrecks such as Britney and "Amy" Winehouse...but it's not.

All in all, "Circus" continues a trend I've seen recently with albums, which puts the strongest tracks towards the front of the album, and throws the garbage towards the end. All of the above tracks I listed appear within the first half of the album. The second half is barely listenable to me, especially a track entitled "Mmm Papi". Yes, it's as bad as it sounds. It's the kind of cut that makes you shake your head in disbelief and wonder if ANYONE was listening to the sequencing of the album, or the actual demos in general. How this track ended up on "Circus", I'll never understand.

"Circus" will most certainly bring Britney back to the forefront of pop culture, for something other than acting bonkers, and while it's decent, it's no match for "Blackout", her strongest album ever. Want proof? "Radar" a track off of "Blackout" actually reappears on "Circus", closing the album out. It's frustrating in general, but it intensifies knowing that for the first time in her career, Britney actually showed some artistic growth, and it was overlooked in favor of meltdowns, baby droppings and umbrella wielding. I'm hoping if the rumors are true about a world tour next year, she'll showcase a lot of "Blackout" and give it the exposure that it deserves...because "Circus" definitely doesn't.

Britney Spears
"Circus"
Jive Records
Release Date: 12/2/08
http://www.britneyspears.com/

Rating: **1/2 (out of 5)

Listen: "Circus", "Out from Under", "Kill the Lights", "Shattered Glass", "If you seek Amy"

Skip: "Womanizer", "Mmm Papi", "My Baby".

No Progress.

2008-11-18T09:47:00.000-08:00

So the high of electing our first African American President has worn off, and now it's time to shut the book of Fairy Tales we've all been reading from since this historic day, and head back to our real handbook: "Reality".

I was one of the many that thought this election signaled a new hope and change for our Country. A change of views and opinions, where we could all begin to heal from the decades of racism, sexism, homophobia and any other factor that divided us as a Nation.

The next day, November 5th, was one of the most frustrating days I've ever experienced as an American. One on hand, we as a Nation had come together and elected our first Black President. We patted ourselves on the back for doing so over and over again, and yet, in the same moment we cast our ballots for a historic step forward, we took ourselves three steps back by voting Yes on Proposition 8.

We chose a President based on his views, eloquence, intelligence and his way with words, not on his skin color. Yet, we denied a group of people equal rights for the complete opposite reasons: their views and sexuality, not for the people they are on the inside.

We are all the same on the inside, let's not forget that. It's a basic Kindergarten lesson, but it seems that half our country took a sick day during that class discussion, because we continue to live in a nation where people are labeled and dissected in order for them to have a place. She's not "the girl that wears the red hoodie everyday." She's "The black girl that wears the hoodie everyday".

Let's stop congratulating ourselves in every essay, conversation, phone call, email blast, mass text message and blog. We did good, but we've still got a long way to go.

What prompted this blog today has absolutely nothing to do with the passing of Prop 8 at all, it has to do with a moment I experienced over the weekend.

On Friday night, around 3am, I was leaving a bar in Midtown Manhattan. While standing on the street, waiting for an available cab to whisk me away to my apartment Uptown, I started a conversation with a woman, about my age, who was also waiting for a cab to take her and her VERY drunk friend back to Brooklyn.

"Are you one of those people that voted for Obama?"

That was the first sentence I heard come out of her mouth. I turned around to see who had just asked me such a random, inappropriate question, and saw her, a young, black woman, holding her male friend up as he teetered on the verge of drunkenly passing out.

I smiled and turned my attention back to the open road, stretching my head out to see if there were any cabs in the distance.

"I bet you voted for McCain." She stated.

I turned and faced her, looked her dead in the eye and said "I didn't vote for McCain."

"You think you did good? Are you proud of yourself for voting for Obama? Cause nothing has fucking changed. I still can't get a cab. I've been waiting for 20 minutes"

There have been notorious stories of cab drivers passing over Black and Hispanic New Yorkers, and favoring Whites all across Manhattan, but it was something I had never seen happen in person.

"It's raining. Cabs aren't coming. I'm sure it's not you." I muttered back to her.

"Hail us a cab." She said, holding her friend up as best as she could. She was tired. She wanted to go home.

"OK." And with that, I stuck my hand out and within a few seconds, had a cab at my feet. The cab driver had only seen me, a young white man in the street. I turned to the girl and her friend and said "It's all yours" as I reached for the door handle to open the door and let them in.

This is when the cab driver realized that it wasn't me getting in the cab, but two African American passengers, and he sped away.

I watched this happen. I watched the Driver's eyes catch a glimpse of his passengers and connect the dots of what was happening in front of him, and I watched him speed off.

I stood there for a minute in the rain, completely shocked and appalled at what I had just witnessed, as the woman smugly stared at me.

"I told you. Nothing has fucking changed, man."

When I tell you that this was repeated FOUR times before a cab driver would eventually pick up the woman and her now comatose friend, know that I am not exaggerating.

As she finally entered the cab to safely get home, a grand total of 1 hour and 23 minutes after she first sought to do that, she looked at me and said "Now you know what's it like. There hasn't been any progress. Thank you for helping us out. God Bless."

And with that, she shut the door and the cab drove off.

Think about this story. Think about this election. Think about the past. Think of how many people have been denied rights over the years for simply existing. Think about change and hope. Think about anything you want to think about.

Just don't think for one second we've made even half of the progress in this country we'd like to think we did.

We've got a long way to go.

Relay Operator Prank Calls!

2008-11-14T09:48:00.000-08:00

Let's face it, I'm going to hell.

So I might as well enjoy myself on my journey there.

As an avid fan of Howard Stern, I was introduced to the art of Relay Operator Prank Calls a few years ago. Though, it wasn't until I started searching around YouTube, did I realize what a phenomenon this form of pranking really is.

A relay operator is a service used primarily for the deaf(which makes this form of pranking even more wrong). Basically, a deaf person logs on to the relay operator website and connects with an operator online. They provide a phone number of the person they wish to speak to, and the operator calls that person and acts as a messenger between the deaf person and the person on the other line.

It's an awkward form of conversation to say the least. The deaf person types what they want said to their loved one on the phone, and the relay operator speaks it, and then writes the person's reply back to the deaf person on the computer.

This is how it was designed to go.

What makes this form of pranking so unique, is that according to the terms of service, the relay operator MUST repeat whatever is typed to her on the computer. It doesn't matter how offensive it is, as long as the actual operator is kept out of the conversation, there are no limits.

Imagine the fun people are having with the thought of having an innocent mid-western woman repeating ANYTHING you tell them to say.

Now, while I'm all for obscene, perverted humor, sometimes something as simple as song can do the trick.

Below is a relay operator leaving a message for a person and reciting the lyrics, unbeknownst to her, to "The Fresh Prince of Bel Air".

This is absolutely hilarious and it's the perfect Friday youtube video!

Check it out below, and then head to youtube and search for "relay operator prank calls".

There are some real gems!

13: A Sore Thumb Review

2008-11-12T20:40:00.000-08:00

How fitting that this blog is about a self-proclaimed "sore thumb", and I get to write a review for a Broadway Musical about a "sore thumb". Ok, it's about a 13 year old "sore thumb", but an outsider nonetheless.

I need to start by saying I loathe Musicals. I really do. I don't get them. I don't want to get them. I think they are annoying and cheesy. There is something about a cast breaking into song about every single moment of their life that really gets under my skin. I like my reality to be suspended when I'm being entertained, and I can't seem to let myself become immersed in the plot because as soon as someone starts singing, I'm instantly reminded that I'm watching a show.

However, last night I was pleasantly surprised.

I arrived at the Theatre, and almost instantly felt uncomfortable. I'd never seen so many kids standing underneath a Broadway Matinee before. I felt old and just a tad creepy.

Thanks to MD, I had prime seats for the show: 4th row, center, to be exact, and as I sat down in my seat and examined the empty stage, I started to feel a sense of enjoyment. I had a feeling that this show was going to be special.

And it was.

From the opening number, the kids had my attention. I think what's so fascinating about the show is that the cast are all, in most cases, actually 13. Add in the fact that the band on stage are also made up of teens, and you start to have a sense of appreciation for the talent this group has.

I enjoyed every aspect of this show, from the cast, to the set, the story and yes, even the music.

There was something about tweens singing these songs, and being in these situations that made the show seem less contrived than I would usually expect.

There was a sweetness and an innocence that the cast brought to every line they delivered that seemed to come just from being in the same moment as their characters, rather than having extensive acting training.

There were screams of appreciation and glee from the audience (made up of tweens and their parents..and me) that would make the typical Broadway crowd roll their eyes in disapprovement, but here it was accepted and encouraged.

One of the things this musical managed to do was take me back to my childhood. It helped me remember the times when I thought going through puberty, or not having friends to hang out with at a school dance were THE biggest problems ever. Everything was so innocent back then. And we take it for granted now.

Now we're paying bills and car payments and working 10 hours a day. We're trying to support ourselves, living on our own, in a time of severe economic crisis...and we WISH that attending a school dance was the biggest issue we faced.

"13" brings you back to those times...and for that alone, it's well worth the cost of admission.

A lyric that really resonated with me, sung by our narrator and reluctant "hero" Evan at the opening of the show was "One day I’ll stop talking in the friggin future tense"

Remember as kids ALL we did was speak about what we were going to do when we were 16, or thinking about how life would be at 21, or wondering how we would look at 25? Well, it's here. And now that we're 25(or older) we no longer talk about the future. We don't want to know anymore. The excitement is gone. We're adults. We know how it turns out.

So, here's a chance to go back in time. It's a musical that really makes you feel like you're still young and have the rest of your life left. To me, that's better than a catchy song, or a great vocal performance at the Theatre. A piece of art that makes you feel is what Entertainment is about. That's exactly what this show does.

And, not to mention, it's a really, REALLY fun time!

13: The Musical

http://www.13themusical.com/

Bernard B. Jacobs Theatre
242 West 45th Street
New York, NY 10039

The Killers are killing it...as usual.

2008-11-11T12:45:00.000-08:00

Thank God for the Holidays.

The Holiday Season is the time when every major label ups the ante and actually focuses on their "moneymakers". It's the all important 4th quarter, the most profitable time in the (almost) defunct Music Industry.

This is when they pull out the big guns.

Why?

Well, it's simple: Money. Christmas is just once a year, and it's the time of the year when otherwise moneyless tweens and young adults have the upper hand in purchases. They call the shots. They make the classic "Christmas List". And what do they want? Entertainment. They want DVDs, video games and consoles, ipods and of course, music to play on those Ipods.

This is the time of the year when the labels bring out the best. They save the high profile releases for the last two months of the year in an attempt to drive sales based on word of mouth and clueless parents who enter the record store(if they even exist anymore) asking the sales clerk what the "hot new release" is.

I like this time of year. I wait for this time of year. Because the other 10 months of the year, I'm usually subjected to garbage and singles that make me want to rip my ears off of my head and eat them.

Of all the high profile releases this Winter, there is one I'm the most amped about.

The Killers: The Day & Age

I love this band. They are the most original, decadent, creative force in Pop Music today, and they single handedly saved the Rock Genre two years ago with one massively catchy guitar riff from the genius track "When You Were Young".

The Killers have always borrowed from many different genres, and can be classified as anything from Modern Rock, to Alternative, Pop, Electronica or New Wave depending on the song you listen to.

Brandon Flowers, the front man for the group, is a star. He's one of the most charismatic, flamboyant vocalists since David Lee Roth or Bowie.

With his distinct style, baby face and penchant for eyeliner he's the glue that holds the group together. There is a sense that without Flowers in the spotlight, many of the genres the group jumps from wouldn't seem as organic. Though like any Pop Culture Icon, Brandon manages to shift and shape his image with every release.

I can't say enough about this group and my love for Brandon Flowers(whom I actually met one night at a private concert in the MTV Studios. I peed next to him at a urinal. Let's just say it was one of the highlights of life.)

Listen to the first two singles from "Day & Age" below:

Spaceman (Live on SNL) - The Killers

Human - The Killers

My Father is on Facebook AND MySpace...

2008-11-10T13:33:00.000-08:00

...and that freaks the fuck out of me.

Seriously?!

Hot Bitch Appreciaton Blog: Cindy from HBO's "Hookers..." series

2008-11-09T12:28:00.000-08:00

When I was still blogging on MySpace, I started a blog entitled "The Hot Bitch Appreciation Blog".

It was basically a blog in which I congratulated and showed my appreciation for, you guessed it, Hot Bitches.

The first Three recipients of this coveted honor were Heather from "Rock of Love", Katherine Heigl and Ivanka Trump.

You can check out those entries here: http://www.myspace.com/sal_icon

I've decided to resurrect that series on this blog, though as you'll notice, the last one I wrote about, Ivanka Trump, was from a few months ago.

Truth is, It's been awhile since a hot bitch jumped out at me in a way that made me want to write to show how much I appreciated her.

I'm happy to say that the day has finally come!

Last night, while watching one of my absolute favorite documentaries on TV, HBO's "Hookers..." series: http://www.hbo.com/docs/programs/hookers/index.html, I was re-introduced to one of the hottest bitches in all of New York, and certainly the hottest hooker.

Ladies and Gentleman, please join me in appreciating: Cindy.

(side note: when I googled "Cindy Hooker at the point", Cindy McCain's image was the first one to come up. Love it.)

Cindy is by far my favorite Hunts Point, BX Hooker.

Now, I don't know that many Hookers, let alone ones that frequent Hunts Point, but I know that NO ONE can outdo Cindy's hotness. This woman does NOT fuck around. I would TOTALLY pay hard earned money to have sex with her! She's GORGEOUS!

I'm not just all about looks, as anyone who knows me can vouch for. Cindy is a rare hooker. Not only is she super hot, but she's articulate, intelligent and really speaks her mind. Here's an example:

Wow. Just...wow. Cindy tells it like it is! Preach, Preacher!

These HBO specials were filmed awhile ago, with the most recent one being from '03, so I'm not sure that Cindy is even working the streets anymore. I'll say one thing though: not since Jennifer Lopez shook her big, fat untalented ass, and screeched her way through a song about "The Block" have I been so tempted to venture into The Bronx to see what all the fuss was about.

I kind of want to head to Hunts Point, find Cindy and interview her for this blog. I envision myself seeing Cindy on the corner, looking absolutely stunning as always, and approaching her with my appreciation for her talent. I'd tell her what a big fan I was of hers, and tell her I had a business proposal, before asking to discuss it over lunch. I'd take Cindy to the closest Wendy's, and we'd discuss my television show idea over frosties. Every once in awhile, I'd find myself venturing to the restroom to interrupt Cindy sucking a dick, and remind her that this is a business meeting and that she's "off the clock".

Cindy would sign with me exclusively and within a year she'd be a co-host on "The View". Though, that gig would be a short one, as midway through her first week, she would explain to all the women, live on the air, that she had sex with all of their significant others.

After that, Cindy would be fired and the opportunity would arise for her to host her own 1 hour Variety show on on FOX. Each week Cindy would appear in sketches and musical numbers, and discuss current events, viewer emails and phone calls, and dish out her point of view on such topics as politics, celebrity gossip and how to comb out crabs from your pubic hair with a nail file.

I'd be the happiest manager in the world, and Cindy would be the Star she is supposed to be!

Cindy, you are one hot bitch, and I appreciate you.

I leave you with another eloquent interview Cindy gave about "new pussy". This woman is a genius:

P.S.-

2008-11-07T12:49:00.000-08:00

I know my blog post below now looks TOTALLY gay(well, gay-er), thanks to my bullet points being fucking flowers.

I didn't realize I had registered to write my blog on a cyber version of Lisa Frank stationary, and have absolutely no clue why flowers are showing up instead of serious, black bullet points!

Now NO ONE will take that post seriously!

Ugh.

Fuck it!

God, I miss Lisa Frank stationary....

3 of my favorite things in ONE Youtube Video!!

2008-11-07T12:41:00.001-08:00

What are the chances that I can find THREE of my favorite things in ONE video on Youtube?!

Apparently, they are pretty big!

Via http://dlisted.com/ here is a scene from an 80's soap opera entitled "Generations".

It features the following:

Whores
Tacky 80s outfits
An EPIC Catfight!!

I couldn't have asked for a better video to see on a Friday, especially after the day of work that I had yesterday.

I was on a shoot with Paula Abdul for over 14 hours. I can't go into details because if I start reminiscing on the event, i'll end up with an even larger case of Post Traumatic Stress syndrome.

Let's just say that Paula shouldn't be asked to do anything about a first grade education level, for the sake of everyone involved in whatever she's doing. I've seen Methodone Clinics with more stable human beings than Paula Abdul.

I digress...This video made my day. My favorite moment, no surprise, is the opening when the woman with the REALLY classy GOLD dress kicks her heels off and thrusts her skirt between her legs. They do NOT make bitches like this anymore on TV!!

ENJOY:

An open letter to Oprah Winfrey.

2008-11-06T22:22:00.000-08:00

Dear Oprah,

Shut the fuck up.

You are a pompus, superficial, egomaniacal asshole, with a severe messiah complex.

You are not all knowing, and everytime you open the fat mouth on your melting, saggy face, I want to punch my tv screen so hard, that I can continue to pick up the signal for The Cartoon Network on my knuckles.

I don't understand what your mass appeal is, or why middle aged women in the midwest go absolutely apeshit over you, but I'd like you to retire at once.

My sanity and TV depend on it.

Thanks.

History.

2008-11-04T20:32:00.001-08:00

From Yahoo.com

I want to save this image forever.

Is this happening?

2008-11-04T20:03:00.001-08:00

Did America get it right this time?

I'm watching CNN and all I can see are the images of thousands of people in euphoria as a blue banner runs across the screen stating "Barack Obama Elected President: CNN Projection".

Outside, I hear the screams of various voices screaming "Obama!". I hear whistles and cheers. I even hear a few fireworks.

I'm not an emotional person, and I just shed a tear.

A single tear. A movie tear. A tear that left my eye and streamed down my cheek. And I'll let it dry there. This is a tear I want to remember long after this night.

I watched the faces of elderly African American Men and Women, who only 40 years ago were using separate water fountains, cheering and witnessing a moment I'm sure they'd never thought they'd be alive to experience.

This is the single most important election in my lifetime, and I'm so proud and humbled to have been a part of it.

I'm so happy that America got it right. America took a chance. As a nation, we united and decided to go with our hearts and minds, and overlook things that should have been overlooked from the beginning.

I'm having trouble even writing this entry, because my mind is racing, and my eyes keep darting from the TV screen to the computer.

What a night. What an amazing, historic, incredible, unbelievablely euphoric night.

All night passion is RIGHT!

2008-11-03T17:23:00.000-08:00

This bitch is HOT.

Meet Alisha, another Freestyle princess from the 80s.

God, I miss this decade!! I miss this music!!!

Below is a Music Video for Alisha's song "All Night Passion".

I have no clue what the German VJ is saying in the beginning, but I bet it translates to "This is the greatest music video of all time, and it was solely created for Mike Fortino's enjoyment. Enjoy this hot bitch Alisha".

For some reason Alisha's idea of "All Night Passion" is working in a clerical office.

I have no idea what the F is going on in this video, and I don't even care, because Alisha's passion "gets me through the day".

I love everything about this video, from the extras, to the random shots of 1940's telephones and typewriters, and of course Alisha's outfit. But I think what I love the most is the irony of a woman who sings dance music, who can't dance for SHIT! This bitch does not fuck around.

Enjoy:

Also, for you hardcore 80s fans, here is ANOTHER Alisha video, for her hit single "Baby Talk". This one has ACTING in it!! Oh god do I miss this decade...

Halloween is over.

2008-11-03T11:31:00.000-08:00

Yes, I'm very upset about this.

Halloween is my absolute favorite Holiday, and it really hurts me that I'll have to wait another 365 days to see girls comfortable enough to shamelessly dress as slutty occupations, guys comfortable in their gayness enough to wear high heels and dresses, and for me to feel comfortable enough to throw up everywhere, like I did when I was 17.

I went to a Halloween party on Friday, after attempting to see the Parade, and I ended it with a big bang!

Oh yea, I made quite the impression. In between 100 proof shots of tequila, telling every human being with a vagina and even a hint of breasts that they were "super hot", proclaiming my friendship and love to all of my friends, and drunk dialing every single person I've ever been involved with sexually to tell them what an asshole they were, I threw up over the hallway of a luxury apartment building.

What a classy dreamboat I am. This is, however, the only time this is even remotely acceptable, as it's Halloween and inhibitions and drinking limits are thrown to the side in favor of alchohol and whorish behavior.

I wore my Teddy Ruxpin costume again from last year, which is such a big Hallween no-no, but I didn't have any time to come up with anything different this year. This won't happen again thankfully, as my Teddy Ruxpin costume is now completely covered in vomit, sweat and 3 flavors of Three Olives alchohol.

Below is a before photo, of me at work getting ready to head to the parade. I don't have any after photos, and if I did, the last thing I'd do is post them here. I'd probably submit them to a rehab center or a High School Health course to really drive the point home that when you drink, you always end up looking like a complete smacked ass.

Woody.

2008-10-30T12:54:00.000-07:00

Here's a photo of Woody and I.

Just because.

My Mom is Amazing...

2008-10-30T12:16:00.000-07:00

...Because she puts up with me.

I wrote this really long, detailed blog about Halloween. I wrote about how much I loved it, and that one of my very first memories from childhood was from Halloween.

I was about 3 years old and my Mom dressed me as a cowboy. Like every other child that was born between 1980-1984, I had a Cabbage Patch Kid. He was more than a "doll" to me, he was my Best Friend. I took that little man everywhere with me, and insisted my Mother dress him as a Cowboy too.

I remember her drawing a moustache on me with a make-up crayon, and demanding she do the same to "Woody". Yes. I named him "Woody".

Anyway, none of this was supposed to be the focus of the blog I had written, but it got me thinking about the real name of Woody. Cabbage Patch Kids always came with a birth certificate, and were already named. I remember HATING his name as a 3 year old, and immediately changing it...to "Woody".

As I typed the original Halloween blog, all I could think of was his real name, which I couldn't remember. It was beginning to drive me crazy, so I grabbed my office phone, picked it up, and feverishly dialed the one person that I knew would remember: My Mom.

As the phone rang, I looked at Annie, a Casting PA in my office, and held the receiver away from my mouth and said "This is what happens when you have me as a son."

A woman answers: Doctor's office. (Mom works at a Hospital)
Me: Can I speak to Carol?
Woman: Who's speaking?
Me: Mike. Her son.
Woman: Hi Mike! How are you?
Me: I'm fine. (I don't have time for chitchat, and I have NO clue who this woman is, so please put my Mom on...this is serious.)
Woman: How's the weather?
Me: Fine. (This woman is really pissing me off. I have a deadline. Put my Mother on the phone.)
Woman: So what are you being for Halloween?
Me: Don't know yet. (Bitch, I'm going to cut you if you don't put my FUCKING MOTHER ON THE FUCKING PHONE NOW!!!)
Woman: Alright, let me get Mom.
Me: Thanks.

There's about a 2 minute silence, which is odd considering my Mom usually picks up right away. After what seems like forever, she finally answers

Mom: Hello?
Me: Hey, it's me.
Mom: Who?
Me: Mom, Mike. Your Son.
Mom: Oh, ok. What's wrong? (she seems a little stressed)
Me: Nothing is wrong. I have a question. Do you-
Mom: Give me one sec! ( she's speaking to someone in the background)
Me: Are you busy?
Mom: Uh huh. What's up?
Me: Nevermind. I'll call you later.
Mom: No, tell me. What?
Me: I have a question...
Mom: What is it?
Me: What was the name of Woody's real name?
Mom: Who?
Me: Woody, my Cabbage Patc-
Mom: (she doesn't even let me finish) Foster Neil.
Me: That's right!! Mom, you're amazing!
Mom: I know.
Me: Ok, I'll talk to you soon!
Mom: Michael (she never calls me that unless it's important or she's SUPER pissed at me...which come to think of it, is always...")
Me: Yes?
Mom: You just called me in work to ask what your Cabbage Patch Kid's real name was?
Me: Yes.
Mom: (she exhales) alright. That's-(she pauses) nevermind. Goodbye. I love you.
Me: Love you too!

We hang up.

She's SO over being my Mom. I know it. It's got to be exhausting. These things happen on a daily basis with her. She doesn't even scold me anymore. She just humors me and answers. This is why she's amazing.

Basically, I deleted the whole Halloween blog in favor of an appreciation blog for my Mom. Both myself and Woody really appreciate all that's she's done for us.

Yes, I still have Woody.

Melodie Won.

2008-10-29T12:16:00.000-07:00

I can't help my love and appreciation of total whores, no naturally Melodie's Mom won the date with me.

I emailed her back at the address she gave me, and suddenly I started receiving emails about penis enlargements and watching barely legal girls fuck horses. Weird.

So, I'm crossing my fingers that she's still interested!!!!!!

In other news, I'm going to be reviewing a broadway musical on this blog in a few weeks.

I'm pretty excited about it, as it gives me a chance to branch out a little more.

This way, the blog won't JUST be about whores, tampon inventions and how many Mothers want to have sex with me...there can be a little substance!

Everyone's Mom wants to bang me.

2008-10-28T10:09:00.000-07:00

I'm prime meat ladies and gentlemen.

I had to share with you some messages I received via MySpace yesterday. They are equally flattering, and in some cultures, disturbing.

Some may say that these messages are a new form of spam, a personalized way of getting you to email someone or something, which then opens your computer up to viruses and even more
spamming attacks.

Well, some people are fucking jealous.

I know what spamming looks like, and these two messages are not spam. They are desperate pleas from two Fatherless MySpace users, hoping they can find a connection for their lonely, hot Mom. It's like a cyber version of 'Sleepless in Seattle'!

Check out the cries for help that I, apparently the hottest hunk on MySpace, received from two lovely ladies:

Wow. Where the FUCK do I begin?? Helen logged on MySpace, browsed the members, and picked ME to DATE HER MOTHER!!

First off, I love the backhanded opening: "How are you? It's hard to believe you're still single."

Oh Honey, I'm single alright. Though, possibly not for long. Why? Because Helen AND her Mom think I'd be a great match!

Not only that, but Helen's Mom wants something real. She is NOT looking for a Booty Call. And if I ask, I'm going to get a very clear "NO WAY!" I'm glad Helen put that out there right away for me, in case I would have responded with something really filthy...as I tend to do when I receive anonymous messages on a social networking site.

I really appreciate how Helen really sells her Mom to me. Mom enjoys malls, bars, restaurants and anywhere people gather. She also likes camping and swimming, and Helen even specifies where her Mom likes to swim: pools, lakes and oceans. I always like to know as much as possible about my dates before meeting them so that I can be prepared with topics to talk about!

The closer, however, is my absolute favorite. Helen instructs me to contact her Mother directly, via her gmail account, because she "doesn't want to see anything that will send me to Therapy."

Amazing. Simply Amazing.

Now, just when I had finally come down from the supreme compliment of knowing I was Handpicked by Helen for her Mom, something even better happened.

Word on the MySpace street must have gotten out because exactly 10 minutes later, I received a new message:

Melodie is NO joke.

She is obviously trying to steal me away from Helen's Mom, in order to BANG her Mom.

Notice the difference? Melodie's Mom does NOT want a relationship. She wants to BANG. She immediately grabs my attention in the subject line by not only referring to me as a "Hottie", but insinuating there is going to be LOTS of drinking, something that I absolutely LOVE doing. I'm instructed to "Bring on the Vodka", and immediately, I need to know more.

I have a feeling Melodie works as a Cover Letter writer for one of those career building sites, because she's excellent at getting my attention from the beginning, and putting her Mom's strengths out there in the first few sentences.

Melodie's Mom loves spontaneity, coffee, cheesecake and movies.

However, I'm a little confused as well. These are great hobbies and traits, and I'm glad Melodie shared them with me, but frankly, in this instance, I don't care.

Mel, You're soliciting me to BANG your Mom, not Marry her, so chill out with the back story.

Luckily, Melodie pulls it together at the end of her message by noting that her Mom loves "physical activity" is "youthful and fit" and lastly instructs me to email her directly, before giving me her gmail address.

I'm torn. Helen's Mom wants something stable and loves swimming. Melodie's Mom likes coffee and sounds like a huge whore. I'm flattered that both of the girls decided to choose me as a suitor for the most important woman in their life, but unfortunately, I can only pick one.

Do you see what happens when you're ridiculously hot?! Not only do you get hit on by everyone...but you get hit on by everyone and their Mother!! I need a moment to think this all through, and will hopefully be able to make my choice by the end of the day today.

I'll keep you posted

Kotex should hire me.

2008-10-26T17:34:00.000-07:00

I'm a genius. Seriously, I am. Listen to the invention I just came up with tonight:

So, I'm on the phone with an old friend, and we are shooting the shit. We're talking about the usual: Jay-Z, old friends, Vaginas, etc. Yes, we somehow managed to go from talking about a Jay-Z Video, to the smell of a Vagina.

This friend is female, and explained to me that the maintence that a woman has to do to keep her privates smelling "fresh" is much more of a task than you would think. She said that it only takes a few hours before you have to freshen yourself up again, because the vagina is internal, thus requiring more maticulous cleaning. Wait. This gets much better I promise. This conversation led me to asking her about various techniques to ensure freshness:

Me: Can you put the shower head up there and spray hot water in it?
Her: No.
Me: Can you squirt dish soap up there and let it sit for a few minutes?
Her: No.
Me: Well, what if a girl just got like a tampon, and dipped it in scented candle wax and put it up there.
Her: The Vagina is very warm. It would melt the wax.

That last suggestion lead me to my new product: VaBreeze.

So you've all seen or heard of those glade plug ins, right? They spray a small scent every hour, keeping your home or apartment smelling fresh constantly.Well, what if they had one for a vagina?? You take the applicator,which in my imagination looks much like a tampon. You stick it up there, and its programed to spray a scent every hour. There would be fun scents like "apple pie" or "summer mist", and you would never have to worry about not feeling fresh down there anymore.

I think its GENIUS, and if you can shove a tampon up there 5 days a month, there's no reason you can't have a vaginal air freshener up there the other 26 days. Trust me ladies, you will thank me, though probably not as much as your lovers will. Genius. Total Genius. Leave your thoughts.

I Recommend:

2008-10-26T14:22:00.000-07:00

This weekend was a pretty slow weekend in terms of observations, so I don't have anything really inane or random to speak about.

However, always the pop culture enthusiast, I've put together a short list of things that I'm digging at the moment, and think you should too!

True Blood:

I Love this show. I think what's most interesting about the feedback I've heard from others is they either love it, or they hate it. There's no in between, which to me, always automatically makes something more intriguing. I love Vampires in general, but the twist this show brings to the myth and genre is genius.

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia:

This show is probably the best sitcom on tv right now...and I bet you aren't watching! It's essentially a raunchier update of "Seinfeld", with the main characters being the most egocentric, immoral, pieces of shit you'll ever meet, with absolutely no redeeming qualities whatsoever. It's so politically incorrect, offensive, shocking and completely and utterly hilarious. Check out the scene below and then catch up with the series at hulu.com

Katy Perry: One of The Boys

Forget that she "kissed a girl". It's a catchy, upbeat, fun song which is seeped in shock value, released as the first single to get people talking...and it did. However, the amount of talent Ms. Perry has can be easily overshadowed by the track. To really "get" Katy, is to listen to her album, "One of the Boys" all the way through. And yes, it's one of those rare albums that can actually be enjoyed from start to finish. Stand out tracks include the opener "One of the Boys", as well as "Mannequin", "Thinking of You" and "Lost". For a real taste of what Katy has to offer, check out the clip below of her performing my favorite track, "I'm Still Breathing" at an intimate showcase at the Hotel Cafe in LA, over two years ago. No glitz, glamour or girl kissing present. Just Katy, a microphone and a piano:

Palin As President
Ok, this is just amazing. I could sit on my computer all day and play Sarah Palin in this computer generated, "what if" website. It's brilliant marketing, both terrifying and enjoyable. The best part? It's updated everyday with new scenarios up until November 4th, election day

http://www.palinaspresident.us

I really wanted to write more, but I figured I'd keep this one short and sweet. Check out some of my recommendations and let me know what you think!!

The Greatest Music Video Ever Made. Ever.

2008-10-24T17:50:00.000-07:00

I grew up in Philadelphia. My vacations consisted of going "down the shore". We didn't do Disneyworld, or Cape Cod. No, my family went to the classiest destination on earth for an Italian American Family: The Jersey Shore. This was our definition of paradise. It was like a Guido Atlantis.

There was a show that filmed on the beaches of Ocean City, NJ during the late 80's called "Dance Party USA". I was a dancer on the show, mostly because my Father forced me to be one. I would have much rather played in the ocean, or eaten Funnel Cake, but instead was forced to bump and grind with Jersey's finest (which frankly really isn't THAT different than Philly's finest...) to freestyle music.

Freestyle Music. Stevie B, Cynthia, Lil' Suzy, Lisa Lisa & Cult Jam, etc. It has become embedded in my subconcious. I love the music. I hate the music. There was one song that stuck out to me the most from those "Dance Party USA" days. I knew the song title, "In Paradise", but never the name of the girls who sang it. Years later, a friend and I, who was freestyle obsessed, researched the group online and found out they were a trio of girls named "Laissez Faire". We bought their tape from a bargain bin and played it in her car. I instantly remembered the song from those days dancing on the beach.

I NEVER knew what these chicks looked like...until I looked them up on You Tube. THIS is the Single GREATEST Music Video EVER MADE!! These bitches are no joke! They always say that club singers and freestyle artists are usually not the most visually pleasing people. It's mainly because it doesn't matter. They don't need to live through the Video Art form. Their career is almost strictly based on club play. I could NOT agree more. I'm not quite sure of the date this video was filmed. Judging from the hair and outfits, I'm assuming late 80s.

Oh, and by the way, if this video suddenly blows up on the internet, i'm taking full responsibility for it, because besides the people in it, I think I'm about the ONLY person who has actually invested time in searching for it. Sit back, relax, and Enjoy Laissez Faire's "In Paradise":

Ok, wait. Before I end this post, let's discuss my favorite parts:

1. The Dramatic Opening.
2. The Pose the girl does at :16.
3. The shot of the blonde at :29.
4. The Blonde's HAIRRRRRRRRRRR!
5. The shot of them randomly IN THE WOODS at 1:40. WTF?!
6. The Chick's HAT at 2:35.
7. The dancing at 2:51
8. The shot starting at 3:37 (the outfits, the way the blonde is sitting, EVERYTHING!!!!!)
9. The CLOSE UPS!!!!!!!!

Ok, so I had to watch that fucking video about 15 times to make sure I had the correct times. I did this all for you.

Picture Perfect.

2008-10-24T17:36:00.000-07:00

Maybe it's the fact that I'm constantly surrounded by Music. Maybe it's the "Music Room" I've been working on since I've moved into my apartment, filled with music memoribilia, paintings, autographs and other knick knacks from my favorite artists. Maybe it's the fact that everyone who knows me knows I'm an enourmous loser. Whatever the reason is, I'm constantly asked what my favorite song of all time is. I always give the same answer: "That's Impossible". Because frankly, it is.

Music to me is like a photograph. It captures certain feelings, places and people. So many songs that I hear bring me back to specific events in my life, good and bad, that resonate and connect with me. It's almost the eqivalent of asking a parent who their favorite child is, or asking an elderly man what his favorite memory was.

However, I know I could fill up a list of SOME of my favorite songs, though to sit down and do it would take an incredible amount of time and effort (which I have PLENTY of). While speaking to one of my closest friends and definitely one of my closest music lovers, Jackie, we got on the discussion of a track from Nelly Furtado's second album "Folklore". After dissecting and discussing everything about it, I realized it's one of my favorite songs of all time.

Why? I can't explain exactly why. Maybe that's what makes it so remarkable. Very few songs that I have listened to have a way of impacting you at that very moment, taking you away from everything so fast, even after countless listens. Everytime I hear this song, I'm transfixed. Everytime I hear it, I want to leave. I want to start over. I swear if I kept this track on a constant repeat on a Saturday, I'd end up in a rainforest in Costa Rica by Sunday afternoon, with nothing but a backpack and my ipod on repeat.

Lyrically it's suberb and gets the point across, but it's the MUSIC of the track that does the transporting. The music is effortless, and matches the lyrics like nothing I've ever heard before. It almost sounds like a jam session. Gutairs riff with ease, drums bang out of sync, and the piano seems to be playing an entirely different tune completely. Though it all fits, in a jumbled, beautiful way. To me, I like to think the entire track was done on a whim. She wants to leave, she wants to get away and see "Everything you have to offer", but by the time the song ends, reality has set in, and it's become just a day dream.

But for 5 minutes, everyone in the studio forgets about bills, and jobs, and family, and responsibility and just plays and sings like any minute they are going to "get on that plane and fly away". It's the same feeling the listener feels, and to me that's a remarkable acheivement for a musician. Yes, Nelly is a musician, which makes the "Loose" project all the more difficult for me to understand. To follow a track like this, with one who's lyrics include "Don't get mad, Don't be mean" is something I'll never fully be able to wrap my head around. In the meantime, there is always "Picture Perfect". Have a listen below:

You Can't Test Drive a Ferrari

2008-10-24T12:13:00.000-07:00

You know how in Elementary School, when you were first verbally "warned" before any action was taken? Well, that's what this is. I'm expecting anyone who intends to ask me out to have read my blog or at least hold me to a higher standard then some of the other fishes in the sea.

Do NOT hit on me, pass me your number/email/myspace address, flirt with me in person, flirt me with through email, flirt with me through text messages, or basically conduct yourself in a "single" way when you are in fact IN A RELATIONSHIP.

If you want to be "Friends", make it VERY clear. I like making new friends. I don't like being under the impression that you are hitting on me, which you clearly ARE, and then being told-no, FINDING OUT, 3 days later, that you are taken.

I'm not a supporting cast member. I'm the star. I'm not interested in being on the side, or whatever else you had in mind. I'm not interested in being your test drive to see if you really should be with the person you are with. You can test drive a Pinto. You can't test drive a Ferrari. Do you catch my drift?

I'm quite smart, and can read between the lines most of the time. However, if you decide you think I'm super cool and want to hang with me, as a friend, make it CLEAR. Do not smirk, wink, make puppy dog flirty faces or ask to "grab a drink" sometime and follow it with a smirk and/or wink. I don't speak passive/aggressive. Make it very, very clear to me what your intentions are.

This is your warning. IF this happens again, I will beat you in the face with the nearest object, then make it a DUTY to seek out your significant other and inform them of the way you like to apparently make "new friends".

Thanks!!

Sincerely,

The Ferrari

No One Has it tougher than a Michael.

2008-10-24T12:01:00.000-07:00

My favorite gossip blog is DListed.com. Know it? If not, you NEED to. Not only is the blog informative and up to date, but the blogger, Michael K, is one of the most hilarious, brutal, to the point, ridiculously random and honest writers I've come across in a long time. And you know how I love my writers.

Recently on a post about Mark Wahlberg having another baby, he went in to a tirade about Mark naming his son "Michael". This is a tirade that only us, the Michaels of the world can relate to. I had to copy and paste his rant and include it in this blog only because it's SO, so true. No one has it tougher than a Michael.

Sometimes you can tell what decade a person was born from their name. Usually the popularity of a name happens in cycles. For example, if your name is "Christina" or "Jennifer", there is a good chance you were born in the 80s. Those were the two most popular girl's names of the decade. Now, what do you think the MOST popular boy's name has been for the last 8 DECADES...possibly even longer, as it's only been documented this long. If you guessed "Michael", you are correct.

Think back to grade school. How many kids in class were named "Michael?" Notice that I don't phrase that as "Was there more than one Michael in your class?". Why would I? I know the answer. Every class had two, usually three, sometimes four Michaels. Most Class sizes are, what, 30 kids? So out of 30 kids, sometimes 4 of them were named "Michael". That's insane. That's also my life story. I was never, ever THE "Michael". I was "Michael F." I was one of many.

At the beginning of the school year each year, I'd wake up on the first day of school and ask my Mom, "Do you think I'll be the only Michael this year!?" My Mother would look at me, and have to fight every urge to not say "Bitch, please" to me in response.

I remember the worst year. I was in Second Grade. It was Grandparent's Day, and my Mother's mother, my Nana Soupy(that's what I call her...suck it.) came to join in the festivities. There were FIVE Michaels in my class. FIVE. I remember during the "Introduce Yourself" segment, one by one, each kid would get up, and sure enough, every other boy started his introduction with "My name is Michael(insert first letter of last name here)..." My Nana turned to me at one point, and said "Wow, there are a lot of Michaels in your class, Michael".I wanted to turn to her, at 7, with all the frustration I could muster and retort "Yea, well talk to your REALLY creative Daughter about that."I didn't. She would have slapped the shit out of me.

What makes this all the more frustrating, is there is actually a REALLY cool story behind my name, and if my Father had his way, I could have possibly been the most creatively named "Michael" in the world. My Mother went in to labor the night "The Godfather" premiered on Network Television. August 26, 1983. My Father spent the night she was in labor running from the Delivery Room, to the Waiting Room to catch clips of a Movie he had seen three times in the Theatres. If that's not foreshadowing, I don't know what is. Anyway, When my Mother gave birth to me, and it was time to name me, My Father requested, I kid you not, "Michael Corleone Fortino." "Michael Corleone" is the character name of Al Pacino in The Godfather. He wanted my Middle Name to be the Last Name of a character in "The Godfather". My Mother was so drugged up and exhausted that she probably would have agreed to name me "Mistake" if my Father suggested it.

What killed this idea was The Nurse. The Nurse at the Hospital REFUSED to write that on my Birth Certificate. She pleaded with my Father, telling him "Your son has to go to school with this name", "People will think he is in the Mafia", "He'll have no friends." "No Parent will let their child associate with a kid named after a character from "The Godfather"My Father eventually backed down, and agreed to name me "Michael Salvatore", The Michael being from "The Godfather", and the Salvatore being the name of my Grandfather.

Now, while it's still a cool backstory to my name, it means nothing, and makes me just another "Michael", actually "Michael F." What's my point in this post? I don't know if i even have one-Oh, wait, yes I do. STOP NAMING YOUR CHILDREN MICHAEL!!! There are ENOUGH of us! Below is the rant, courtesy of Michael K. from DListed.com that inspired this blog:

"For real, growing up with the name Michael is some confusing shit. As a young homo child, there were always at least 2 other Michaels in all of my classes. Teachers starting calling me Michael K, because they got sick of all of us turning our heads around every time we heard the name "Michael." I don't even bother turning around when I hear my name anymore. It's usually someone else. If you ever see me walking down the street, don't say my name to get my attention. Just call me a "dumb bitch." I usually answer to that."

So, I take Michael K's stance on this. If you see me in the street, don't scream "Michael", 1. Because I go by "Mike", and 2. because I won't even look up. You'll have to just call me "Dumb Bitch" if you want to see me turn around.

Tivo: The Demise of Taste & Quality

2008-10-24T11:46:00.000-07:00

Some people spend their Sundays catching up on sleep. Some spend it recovering from the massive amount of alcohol they put in their body the night before. Some people spend the day running errands, catching up with friends at brunch, or reading a book. I spend the day catching up on TV.

Sunday has been nicknamed "Tivo Sunday". The fact that I have a day devoted to catching up on TV shows that I've missed during the week isn't really all that bad. No, it's the actual shows I've gotten hooked on because of this little device that is the real problem.

Tivo is the devil.

There was a time, not so long ago, when I watched The History Channel. There was a time when the only TV show I watched religiously was "Grey's Anatomy", and the only sitcoms I could stand were the ones that were long gone off network TV. I never had time to keep up with all the other crap that was on TV, and I kind of liked it that way. Now, with the creation of the Digital Video Recorder, I've become sucked in to some of the worst entertainment I've ever seen…and I can't stop. Oh no, because I have "Series Recording" options. Tivo can record an entire series, only record the new episodes, and store them for as long as I want.

I will always have time to keep up with these shows, and now because of this, my life is consumed by dwarfs, drunken whores and a woman named "New York" who resembles Janice from "The Muppet Show". There was a time when I had taste…not a lot of it, but some. That's all out the window now. I'll watch ANYTHING that seems remotely interesting to me, and because of this little fucker Tivo, I know I can watch it on my terms.

I've kept this list hidden for many months, only occasionally letting my friends know the shows I keep up with. But now, after looking through my queue of Series that I have recorded over the year, it's time to come clean. I'm not proud of this list. In fact, I'm ashamed, humiliated and disgusted. But it needs to be confessed. I need to be open and honest.

Let's start with the basics:

The Sarah Silverman Program
Grey's Anatomy
30 Rock
It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Chelsea Lately
South Park
The Soup
Saturday NightLive
Real Time with Bill Maher
True Blood

Ok, not bad, right? Decent. But wait…oh, just wait…there's more. Now, as I bow my head in shame, are the rest of the shows that I now watch religiously because of Tivo:

America's Psychic Challenge
The Bad Girls Club
I Love New York
The Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency
Crowned: The Mother of All Beauty Pageants
Rock of Love
Gone Country
My Fair Brady
Flavor of Love
Celebrity Fit Club
I Know my Kid's a Star
Celebracadabra
I Love Money
New York goes to Hollywood
90210
Tabatha's Salon Takeover
Rock of Love Charm School
My Big Redneck Wedding

I know. I know. I know. I can't believe it either. When I look at that list, I'm completely baffled. What the FUCK has this device done to me?!I'm willing to bet money on the fact that those shows only have multiple seasons because of DVR's. We all get hooked. We all say they're trash but SOMEONE is watching them, and I think it's because of the convenience of being able to watch them when we want.

We can save them and watch them alone. We don't have to tell a soul. We can keep following these awful, awful shows and no one has to know. Once we watch it, we delete it, leaving no trace. Damn You, Tivo. Damn you for what you've done to me. I'd dwell on this topic more, but My Big Redneck Wedding is still in my list of shows to watch…can't miss a minute of that!

I'm Legit!

2008-10-23T10:56:00.000-07:00

I'm going legit.

I'm going to begin by uploading some of my favorite blogs I've written over the years on my MySpace page, and then continue to write about the inane, random, ridiculousness that you've come to expect from me.

The title of this blog comes from a piece of writing I did in High School.

I used to keep a journal and during one night of crazy, underage binge drinking, whipped out my trusty paper companion and penned a 4 page rant about not fitting in, and celebrating it. I titled the rant "The Sore Thumb in a World of Index Fingers."

I've come to realize that while I've curbed the binge drinking, switched from the ol' paper and pen method of expressing myself, and am generally now comfortable with who I am and how I got here, I'll always be the Sore Thumb.

That's fine with me.

The Sore Thumb is the one that usually stands out.